Episode II - The Salesman Strikes Back
(The famous beginning scroll)
After the predictable "resignation" of The Great Stache, and the fiasco with the unpopular hiring of Good Will Haywood, the Panthers, coming off of a bowl victory in the depths of Birmingham, were preparing for battle for the upcoming season hunkered down on the ice planet Hoth.
The evil slimeball Darth Graham was attempting to sabotage the program, attacking everyone with his "high octane" offense, his used car salesman cliches, his Coach Buzzcut hair style, his wife Penni who loved the city, his arrogance, hubris, smugness, narcissism, lies, and SPEED SPEED SPEED!
The bumbling Galactic Senate of The Big East had lost the battle with our Panthers and the Orange (yep, a fruit) of Syracuse that allowed their exit after the 2012-2013 season. The Panthers would be fighting for respect and their freedom.....
One night, Haywood and his baby mama got into an argument over who shot first - Han or Greedo. Haywood lost his temper, and subsequently lost his job the next day. Everyone hated him anyway.
Jar Jar continued his shenanigans, and debated bringing in the evil, iconoclastic Darth Graham. Jar Jar consulted with Admiral Akbar. He warned Jar Jar......
The rebel Panthers, after ending the season victoriously in Birmingham under interim coach Keith Patterson after the firing of failed head coach Dave Wannstedt, were regrouping on the Ice Planet Hoth. Unfortunately, the evil Darth Graham had finally gotten his grasp on our Panthers, and devised an all out attack on Echo Base, their headquarters.
The Panthers held off the attack as long as they could, but Graham's AT-AT's were too much for the Panthers to overcome.
The enemy had successfully defeated the Panthers using what was referred to as a "high octane" offense and "speed speed speed," tactics that were entirely knew to our heroes. Paul Skywalker got separated in the battle, but managed to get back to a X Wing to set a course for the Dagobah system, where the prophecy claimed he would complete his Jedi training.
Paul Skywalker went to the Dagobah system to embrace the full power of the force. There, he met a wise, old mage, the greatest Jedi of all.... Ditka
"Da force is strong in this one." Said Master Ditka, all while puffing a cigar. He took him under his wing and taught him all the great Jedi secrets and tricks. He was the ultimate apprentice, taking in all that he could, perhaps the most diligent student Ditka had ever seen.
Meanwhile, the team, under the "leadership" of Darth Graham escaped on the Millenium Falcon, headed to Cloud City to seek refuge. There they met Han Solo's ol' buddy, Lando Calrissian. "Hey you heathens, stay cool!"
Pitt struggled mightily all season, as Darth Graham had no idea how to adjust his gameplans to the talent that surrounded him.
Pitt managed to finish at .500 once again after blowing quite a few games. They were rewarded with another trip to Birmingham for the second year in a row. But before the game even happened, Darth Graham, the ultimate salesman, bolted for Arizona State, leaving everyone stunned. When Paul Skywalker heard of the news, he returned from the Dagobah system to challenge Darth Graham for the honor of the team. They got into a lightsaber duel, where Darth Graham chopped off young Skywalker's hand and fled for Arizona State, but only told anyone of his flight plans via text message. He couldn't even use a hologram!!!!!!!
Skywalker used his Jedi powers to inform the team of his perils, and they scooped in to rescue him. They fled the Could City to regroup once again in Birminham, this time with Keith Patterson leading the charge against SMU. It is believed the evil Craig James once again killed more hookers.
Once again, Jar Jar Pederson found himself looking for a new coach for the Panthi.....