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A list of things that do not win football games. (And a few things that do.)

For your reading pleasure, I have compiled a list of things that do not, in fact, win football games.

  1. Stadiums. While they have great size, more impressive than that of any lineman, they have terrible mobility.
  2. Team Colors. I've heard the old yellow referred to as "mustard" (weird for a ketchup town) but it's not actually mustard gas -- just a jersey color. Despite what you may think, opposing teams will not run away frightened merely by seeing "historic" colors worn.
  3. Fonts. Sure, a script font may appear nimble, with its fluid, nonstop movement. But in fact, it's static. IF it was actually fluid, like, say, Rorschach's mask from the Watchmen, that might freak out the opposing team and give a slight advantage -- but it is, in fact, just a font.

For the record, there are a few things that DO win games.

  1. Players. They are the only ones allowed on the field (hear that, Tomlin?), and should be considered a critical element of any "game winning strategy". Also, recruiting better players often gives you a better chance of success.
  2. Coaches. Please note the proper spelling, not "Matt House". Coaches *usually* are responsible for things like teaching schemes, player development, and calling the plays that the "Players" execute on the field. Hiring better coaches, ideally those that have experience at actual coaching and not just experience as the water boy for Lancaster County JV squad, will also help.
  3. Attitude/Dedication/Practice. Just going to throw all those in together because I don't want to type much more. These are all of the things that you do in order to learn how to play, learn how to keep your focus, learn how to respond and react to the game, and in the end, learn how to not give up 4 goddam touchdowns in a 4th quarter meltdown of truly historic proportions.

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