Dear Kansas, Kansas State, and Missouri:
Hey guys! Just wanted to check in with you again. I've read in the papers that you guys have had some family problems with those people in Texas and Texas A&M has decided to leave and Baylor's trying to sue. All while Oklahoma and Oklahoma State are trying to head west. Just one big mess.
I know you guys said you would be fine and you all would stick together after you lost Nebraska and Colorado. But we here in the Big East are worried, worried that you may get lost in the shuffle if the Big 12 falls. Remember when we met last year and I told you all that you guys can come be friends with us instead? The offer still stands. Pretty please? We'll have our boss send roses if you say yes.
Who doesn't like basketball? I mean, what's better than playing basketball in Madison Square Garden in March? Sure Kansas City is right down the road, but it's New York. You know, the concrete jungle where dreams are made of? Plus, you get to go against coaches like Jim "Not a dime back" Calhoun, 15 second man Rick Pitino, and Bob "I'm not that drunk" Huggins. That should be enough, right? If not, you can go to scenic destinations like Louisville, Syracuse, Storrs, Morgantown, Pittsburgh, and Cincinnati. Great travel spots, let me tell you.
Football? I guess we play that? That's the game on the grass field where you DON'T want the ball to touch the ground? And people can hit each other without getting fouled? Weird rules. But yeah I suppose we do offer that. All I know is that right before it starts, we have a HUGE clambake. Who doesn't like lobster?
Now Missouri, I know you've been looking towards that Southeastern conference. My question is, WHAT ABOUT THE BASKETBALL?! I mean, sure there's Kentucky and Florida. Vandy should be good this season. But have you seen Ole Miss? LSU? Auburn? I bet even Depaul could beat them. Plus, if you join us, you'll probably get to go to one of those BCS bowls in football and maybe even win. And you won't get the crap beaten out of you by Alabama, LSU, Auburn, and Arkansas each season.
Don't think I've forgotten about you, Jayhawks and Wildcats. Now I know that your football team has had some rough times recently. Perfect, you'll fit right in with the rest of us. And if all three of you join, we get to have a championship game! We promise it'll be better than this. How does a trip to New Meadowlands Stadium sound? Exciting, I know. And if that doesn't work, we can have it at your place instead. I would say in Morgantown, but Holgy will probably be too busy at the casinos to coach the team and the fans will be too drunk to show up. Not to mention that school we invited from Texas just lost to Baylor and I know the rest of you know how bad that is.
Please come be friends. Villanova wants to come play football with us (you're positive we play that?). This is more or less what they showed us when they asked if they could play too. A soccer stadium?! Louisville and Syracuse seat more people for basketball. There's also this school in Florida that keeps bugging us for an invite and we'd really like to get them to go away. We only want you guys to join. Just give us a call when the Big 12 looks like it's done and we'll send the papers right away! And in return, we'll give you guys lots of money once we have our media deal. Everybody wins!
The Big East
P.S. Don't tell Iowa State. I know we said last year that they could come too but Ames sounds about as exciting as watching Depaul play basketball.