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Pitt to knock down Cathedral of Learning ... for new tennis facility

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Oli Scarff

In a stunning turn of events, the University has decided to make way for a new facility in Oakland, as the historic, but dilapidated, Cathedral of Learning will be knocked down. While most saw this coming, it was believed that the demolition would make way for a new football stadium as alumni have clamored for since the move to Heinz Field. However, the University apparently has its sights on something else - a new tennis facility.

The women's tennis team currently plays its matches at an off-campus facility. Without its own home in Oakland, keeping up with some of the nation's premier programs in the ACC wasn't realistic. To help realize the school's dreams of competing for a conference tennis title, athletic director Steve Pederson made a bold, but unpopular decision in using the new-found green space in Oakland for a 70,000-seat tennis arena instead of a new football stadium.

When asked specifically about the venue's abnormally large size for collegiate tennis, Pederson quickly cited needing to be ready for sudden growth of the sport since, as he put it, 'That Martina Hingis is really making the sport popular these days'. The athletic director offered an abrupt 'No comment' when a reporter subtly pointed out that Hingis has been retired for some time. He also referenced the ability to hold special events such as an ATP Tour event, George Takei autograph signings, the NBDL Draft, big screen Star Wars/Lord of the Rings/Back to the Future/Matrix marathons, or even WWE house shows, should Ty Ezell sign with the organization.

The arena is expected to be completed by the summer of 2017.

You've been had. This is not real. Cardiac Hill wishes you a Happy April Fools Day. That is all.