This coming Monday, the Pitt Men's Basketball Team is taking a trip down to Durham to play the Duke Men's Basketball Team. It'll be exciting in the way buying a lottery ticket is. Before you know it, though, it'll be halftime, and you're not gonna want to turn the game off just in case but you're not gonna want to keep giving it your full attention. That's where this comes in!
The next time Pitt looks sorry with plenty of time left on the clock - which, hey, could be the next game they play, it could be every game they play, everything is awful and the universe isn't so much "unfair" as "indifferent to your wants and needs" - break this baby out and have a fun and fulfilling argument with those around you.
WOULD YOU RATHER...
MICHAEL YOUNG PLAY AT A 2004 KEVIN GARNETT LEVEL OF INTENSITY AND ABILITY FOR THE REMAINDER OF HIS ELIGIBILITY...
HAVE THE BASKETBALL ABILITY OF MICHAEL YOUNG FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
- In Scenario #1, Michael Young plays through his senior year. The rest of the team remains at their current level of play, although this would affect recruiting.
- This would start as of the next game after you read this question.
- Allen Iverson once dragged the Sixers to the NBA finals himself; one player of high skill can greatly affect the outcome of basketball games.
- Michael Young is significantly better at basketball at his current level than you or anyone you know will ever be. You would be able to dominate any rec league you choose to join, and maybe even do some pro-am stuff or go back to a low-level basketball school and get a cheap/free degree if you're into that sort of thing.
- How useful would that really be to you, though?
MARRY INTO A FAMILY OF PENN STATE TRUTHERS...
MOVE TO MORGANTOWN, PERMANENTLY?
- In Scenario #1 your partner is the person you are married to currently or will eventually marry.
- In Scenario #2 you are not permitted any prolonged stays away from Morgantown.
- College towns are usually charming and full of cool little cultural spots. I've never been to Morgantown so I cannot verify whether that's true. I assume it isn't, because I am full of hate and negativity.
- During the school year, well over half of Morgantown's residents are WVU students.
- Every friggin' Thanksgiving, dude. That's all I'm saying.
ONE MAJOR NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFETIME...
THREE MAJOR NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS IN THE TEN YEARS FOLLOWING YOUR DEATH?
- It's like the marshmallow experiment... except someone else gets the marshmallows!
- Think of the children! If you're raising your child to be a Pitt fan - and, for the good of the species, we all highly encourage that - they're gonna have plenty of heartbreak in their lifetime.
- You didn't buy life insurance (2071 and they still can't upload your consciousness to the cyberplane, who would've guessed?) and your children are having a tough go of it in the years following your death. While it certainly wouldn't solve any problems in the long-term, it'd be nice for them to have a bit of joy.
- Those who knew you will probably put one and one together and think that you had something to do with it, like, that you're up in heaven pulling the strings. And that'd be pretty cool. You might even get sainted if you're Catholic (or, if you're already a saint, double-sainted).
- Then again, if you plan on dying alone, Scenario #1 is totally the better pick.
- Oh, hey, speaking of championships...
HAVE A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN A NON-REVENUE SPORT...
- Do you have any people close to you who are currently playing or formerly played on one of those teams?
- Did you accidentally wander over here from Bruins Nation? How'd that happen?
- Do you owe someone $50? Is there something you really want that's worth $50?
- If you prefer Scenario #1, how much money would it have to be for you to choose Scenario #2? Couldn't be that much more, right?
- Conversely, if you prefer Scenario #2, how low would you go? $25? $20? I might take it for $20.
LOSE AN UPCOMING BASKETBALL GAME AGAINST LOUISVILLE BY FIFTY...
HAVE IT BE A REPEAT OF THE ENNIS GAME LAST YEAR?
- Yes, of course you'd prefer a win. I'd prefer not being banned from entering Philadelphia County, but some things just can't be changed. Plus I already gave you the hypothetical national championship, what do you care about this hypothetical win?
- Scenario #2 would mean this team played on Louisville's level for thirty nine minutes and most of the seconds. It's a good sign for a young team going forward, but it'll also hurt like hell.
- If we're doing a 1:1 scale model, you should know Louisville's starting point guard is named Chris Jones. I can't imagine being a combo Pitt/Sabres fan now.
- Are you a combo Pitt/Sabres fan? Do you have thoughts on having to hear and read the name Tyler Ennis on a regular basis? Talk about it in the comments! Leave a comment! And hey - if you like this article be sure to hit "like" and subscribe, and be sure to leave a review on iTunes.
JAMES CONNER HAVE A HEISMAN-CALIBER CAMPAIGN NEXT SEASON...
GET KICKED VERY HARD IN THE FACE?
- Getting kicked in the face would suck, and hurt a lot.
- James Conner having such a season likely means the offense was executed properly and things went well for Pitt Football in 2015. This is not to say that Conner is winning the Heisman in Scenario #1, merely that he generates a non-negligible amount of Heisman buzz. But hey, he might.
- Regardless of that outcome, it would still likely lead to Conner winning several major awards and declaring for the 2016 NFL Draft, which would put Pitt at a marginally greater disadvantage in the upcoming series against Penn State.
- It's UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon "Bones" Jones kicking you in the face. Jon "Bones" Jones is very strong, and in addition to his UFC accolades has a kickboxing title to his name.
- In Scenario #2, Jon "Bones" Jones is angry at you - you called him "Jonald" for some reason - and may hit you more after the initial impact. No one else is around to stop him, your phone is dead, and you did not tell anyone where you were going.
- In Scenario #1, you also get a pizza. In Scenario #2, you do not get any pizza.
PITT LAND FIVE-STAR, TOP TEN BASKETBALL RECRUIT CHEICK DIALLO...
FIND TRUE LOVE, LAND YOUR DREAM JOB, HAVE A GROUP OF GREAT AND LOYAL FRIENDS, AND LOSE THAT STUBBORN LAST FIVE POUNDS?
- Diallo will almost certainly declare for the NBA Draft after his freshman season, as he is as good as advertised.
- In Scenario #2, true love is real and it's waiting for you out there somewhere, and the moment you see it you'll know, there will not be a doubt in your heart and you will be so very glad, you will be so very proud of every decision you ever made because it was the sum of those decisions that led you to this moment, that led you here, now, to this point of true and pure happiness, to have made it, and now everything that's ever been promised to you is here, now, and it's wonderful, and it's perfect. Your life is now perfect.
- LOOK AT THIS DUDE THO
- I WANT THAT RIGHT THERE