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Pat Narduzzi is slumming it in Oakland and probably (definitely) needs our help

Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports

So among the actual news from the first couple of days of training camp was this little tidbit:

Narduzzi is staying with the team through the first days of training camp to get closer to his players. He said he wants "to see how they live, see what type of music they listen to in the evenings, what they are eating."

Plus, there is plenty of football talk just before bed check and lights out at 10:45 p.m.

That's right - Pitt football head coach Pat Narduzzi is slumming it in Oakland. On purpose. Like, overnight and everything.

No, really. He. Is.

Pitt offensive tackle Adam Bisnowaty usually believes everything coach Pat Narduzzi tells him.

But when Narduzzi said he was comfortable spending Monday night with his players in the old Sutherland Hall freshman dormitory on campus, he wondered: "I'm not sure where he slept."

First things first - all kinds of respect to coach, here. It can't be easy giving up deluxe accommodations at whatever tricked out house Narduzzi is in to crash at Sutherland Hall with 90 kids more than half his age. To stay with your players on campus in a real dorm situation is pretty impressive and a great move for chemistry, in my opinion. It's just one of the many reasons why Narduzzi has practically everyone all aboard for the 2015 season.

That said, Pat desperately needs our help. Hear me out.

Yeah, I get that coach is in Oakland on a permanent basis, but that's during the daytime, people. Oakland during the night and during the day is, well, night and day. What are typically routine trips to McDonald's suddenly transform into trips to avoid potential disaster. Completely different ballgame. Unfortunately for him, his options are somewhat limited since campus is pretty dead this time of year until classes get going. But there's got to be something he can do.

Some important assumptions/rules here:

  • Pat is broke and, for the sake of this discussion, has a financial situation rivaling a typical college student that just spent most of their money on books and clothes for the new semester. At this point in time, Pat certainly has no more than like $20.00 and a Big Mac BOGO coupon in his possession. His credit cards are maxed out, and he has nothing of value to sell. He is without proper collateral and cannot secure even the smallest of loans. He also cannot participate in meaningless research surveys or donate plasma at this time. No lavish spending is allowed and he is within strict budgetary constraints.
  • Pat is not allowed to have a car. This would ruin everything. He cannot simply hop in his Benz to go hang out at some exclusive club, etc. If you insist that he must leave Oakland, any transportation must be supplied by your friendly, neighborhood PAT bus. However, he is equipped with a Pitt ID so this means he is entitled to free rides. In other words, a trip to Squirrel Hill or Hipsterville Lawrenceville is totally doable.
  • This is important. Pat has no status. That is, he is unimportant and of little consequence to anybody, really. Pat has no friends of influence and does not have people who can simply buy things for him, drive him places, etc.
  • Pat may not be involved in over-the-top debauchery. Keep it clean. Pat is still a family man and plus, we have children around these parts or something.
  • Pat may not take members of the team with him as bodyguards because they are all asleep and not getting into trouble (no jokes, please). No walking down Halket sandwiched between the 600+ pounds of insulation provided by Jaryd Jones-Smith and Alex Bookser. If Pat chooses to delve into the debauchery of South Oakland at 3:00 a.m., he must do it alone without protection. Pat is equipped with a dull Swiss Army knife as his sole means of defense.
  • Pat must conserve his energy because this is training camp and he can only do one of the things on this list. If Pat, for example, tried to hit up Gene's and Antoon's after a kegger and an hour of panhandling, he may explode since he is nearly 50 years old. At the very least, it would result in a listing in the Pitt News police blotter. We are good people and cannot allow this to happen.
  • Pat is an actual, physical person and therefore must follow the normal laws of time and space. Additionally, he is not equipped with a DeLorean to travel through time. Lights are out at 10:45 p.m. and this means his journey cannot safely begin until 11:00 p.m. Heading to a Pirates game or the Pittsburgh Zoo, therefore, is off limits. Ditto for anything else that is closed at 11:00 p.m., except the Field House. The Field House can easily be exploited.

Given these extreme limitations, choose wisely in the poll below and (preferably, because these options are lame), pick other to provide your own scenario.

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