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Cardiac Spill: Irrational Exuberance for Pitt Basketball

Pitt is 3-0 in ACC play and everything is going to be good forever. The team looks good again and that's because they're gonna be perfect forever now, like everything. I am completely confident that this all will come true, because I am absolutely sure that everything is going to be good forever. I love you.

Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

Pitt basketball is going to win every game left on their schedule, obviously. If we're really thinking about it, that's actually probably the most pessimistic prediction. In reality, they're probably going to crush for the next 25 or so games, whatever the total number of games is between now and the national championship is, I don't care, that many. They're going to win every game by absurd margins and we're going to exhaust the walk-ons, but hey, good for them, exercise is always a good thing to have more of in your schedule. The Steelers should delay their Super Bowl parade until April, and they can have a dual parade that will last until June, when the Penguins make it a tri-parade. And that parade will go for a while longer.

Logically, this makes us the most underrated team in the country right now, because no one expects this. But it's happening.

No one on the team is ever going to miss a free throw ever again, and that goes for everyone who will ever play for the team. From now on anyone who puts on the uniform is incapable of missing a free throw. It's like that one scene in Pleasantville but entirely real, it's real, you can do it and I can do it. If I got minutes next week I'd be able to make free throws if anyone was dumb enough to foul me as long as I was doing it for Pitt, because that's just how things work now and that's how they'll work forever. We are done with the bad things and you are hereby congratulated for making it through all of them. That's it, we promise.

Logically, this is the only way it could ever work.

James Robinson is never going to turn the ball over ever again, because he surely has it figured out by now. Robinson is going to have an assist-to-turnover ratio of infinity from here on out. His reputation as a ball security expert will reach lands far and wide, and it will get to the point that if a player does steal the ball from him, it will be charged as a foul immediately because there's just no way you got it from him legally. He will make both free throws, and this will be part of a winning effort, because they are going to win every game from now on. I have stated this earlier, and now I have proven it as truth.

National Player of the Year? Seven-way tie between the starters, Jeter, and Chris Jones.

And then they're all going to the NBA, of course. Every player is getting drafted by the Lakers this year, and they're all the next Kobe. They're going to have to retire all the numbers after these guys play, because they're going to wear every number, and they're going to play equally amazing in every number. There will be a spike in copper prices due to the shortage created by the statues that will be built for all of them. And guess who just bought a massive share in a copper mine on Robinhood?

Also, they're all gonna be president. There is no other way this could go.

Nothing short of fate itself has determined all this, and nothing short of the combined armies of a thousand nations could prevent this. One thousand tiny knives stab one thousand tiny hearts, and we are wielding all of them.

Logically, disproving it is illegal.

The only comments allowed on this article are children's drawings of clouds, preferably with a great big beautiful sunrise coming up to say hello. God is allowed to be hanging out on a cloud if the child wants to draw God on the cloud. If you comment anything other than a child's drawing of a cloud, I will frown.

It is the only thing that could ever make me frown.

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