Cardiac Spill: Baseball Metaphors

As we all know, football is just a metaphor for war, baseball is just a metaphor for sex, war is a proxy for sex, football is a religion in some places, religion is about sex, proxy wars are about religion, teens use proxies to look at sex on school computers, and football is basically just angry baseball. The Pinstripe Bowl is this Wednesday at historic The Third Yankee Stadium (2009), and while baseball is about rebirth and Spring, there is no overlap in the circles of “rebirth” and “Spring” with “Pitt” and “football.” But we can sure try our best to squint until the lines sort of cross! So here are some baseball metaphors for you to use while trying to distract yourself from the feeling that this team still, somehow, deserved better:

Home Run Ball: Every long throw in the Pinstripe Bowl will be called a “home run ball.” Easy one. Next.

Meatball: Okay so a meatball, that’s a pitch that’s super easy to hit, right? Like, “he grooved a meatball right down the middle” is a baseball sentence that makes total sense to baseball people? Right? Okay, so, the football equivalent of that would just be a ball that’s easy to intercept, right? So we’re not going to see any of those on Wednesday, because Peterman simply doesn’t make mistakes and our secondary doesn’t make non-mistakes for the most part. Although if there were to be an interception, it would be called a

Web Gem: Because nearly every catch of any kind in the Pinstripe Bowl will be called a “Web Gem.”

Drilling A Batter: If you hit a batter in the head in baseball, then you have entered yourself (perhaps unwittingly) into an honor duel. You must now, upon your turn as batter, willingly have another man, one who is paid millions to throw a ball with great force and is supremely good at doing just that, throw a ball at your head. If you wince, you are forever known as a coward across the baseball world and have to change in the hallway for the rest of your pro career.

If you hit a receiver in the head with a football, the commentary team shares a soft chuckle.

Rembrandt: Made-up term never used by anyone to describe anything in baseball.

Infield Fly Rule: I have been in arguments about whether or not football is more complicated than baseball. But both are more confusing than Settlers of Catan. Go apologize to your brother.

Derek Jeter: Expect the following exchange to happen at least once per quarter.

Five yard gain there by James Conner, on first down; gonna be second and five coming up. Conner, with that Captain’s C on his jersey, that C of course stands for captain, and when you say “Captain” in Yankees Stadium, the name that comes to mind is Derek Jeter.

[INFOGRAPHIC ABOUT THE CAREER OF DEREK JETER: YANKEES MASCOT 1995-2014, OODLES AND BUNCHES OF HITS, FIFTY TIME ALL STAR AND WORLD SERIES STARCHILD, NICKNAMED “NOVEMBER CLUTCH” AND “MORDERISCHER ENGEL DER BRONX,” #2 TO BE RETIRED BY YANKEES IN 2017]

[CAMERA CUTS TO MONUMENT PARK]

Jeter, Mr. November, a legend both on and off the field, the icon, the legend. Truly one of the all-time greats, and we are blessed to have been witness to his glory. If he was my son, I would love him; if he was my father, I would respect him; if he was my brother, I would be consumed by envy.

[CAMERA CUTS BACK TO PITT OFFENSE TRUDGING OFF THE FIELD]

And the Wildcats get the stop, will be forced to punt on fourth down.

Third Base: Getting on third base is like getting in the red zone, if you know what I mean! Folks,

Going Yard: If Conner (or any running back) breaks off a long run for a touchdown, we could say he’s “going yard!”

Home Run: If Conner scores a touchdown, we’re gonna call it a “home run.”

Home Run: If Conner does anything in this game, it’s a home run.

Home Run: Everything James Conner has already done and will do. Is there something better than a home run we could maybe use for this?

Two-Run Home Run: Okay, thanks.

Wally Pipp: Rushel Shell is kind of Wally Pipp, I guess. What’s he up to?

Three-Run Home Run: James is gonna get drafted in the fifth round by the Raiders or the Saints or some other team I don’t think much about, and that’s a shame, because I like rooting for him a whole bunch. I’m not going to stop rooting for him, mind you, but him being in the NFL, getting two carries a game for a six-win Bears team makes it tougher. Him in a different uniform is going to be tougher too. Try to recognize Tyler Boyd in a Bengal uniform. It’s still tough. (Aaron Donald looks beautiful as a Ram, but that’s only like 10% different from what we had him in.)

Grand Slam: Maybe he won’t do anything at the next level. We all need to prepare ourselves for that. But he’ll be fine; the bidding war for the rights to his story begins the second the bowl game ends. James already won.

Five-Run Home Run: It’s not my victory, it wasn’t any of our struggles, football is a team sport, I’m not more proud of his achievements than my own few, and he is, ultimately, a football guy I’ve never met. But this has been a terrible year for a lot of people. This was the good things. There were some good things.

Six-Run Home Run: Retire #24.