clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Cardiac Spill Bracket of Things: Things That Are Bad

New, 62 comments

Everyone runs fake brackets this time of year, and now Cardiac Spill is jumping on the bandwagon. Join us over the next month as we debate stupid things that don't matter while you stuff the ballot boxes for your strongly held internet beliefs.

Welcome to Cardiac Spill's first annual CARDIAC SPILL BRACKET OF THINGS. What's this all about? Well, much like the entire rest of the internet, our goal in life to entrap you in ceaseless, increasingly bitter arguments in the comment sections over completely arbitrary things. What better way to do that than give you sixty-four unrelated things in a bracket and then make you vote for them? For the next couple of days, each one of the Cardiac Spill writers will introduce their quarter of the bracket, and we'll progress this as normal - until we get a ridiculous final four matchup.

Here's what's in store for you:  I will be managing the first quadrant, or the THINGS THAT ARE BAD REGIONAL. I, acting as ultimate arbiter of taste and the rankings thereof, have come up with sixteen different things that every single person of sound mind will assuredly agree are bad. You will get to vote on each matchup, and once voting ends, we'll give you and updated bracket next week. Each regional gets one day per week. We'll keep doing this until a regional winner is crowned.

Later on in the tournament, we have the following equally exciting regionals:

THE MASCOT FIGHT REGIONAL by Mike
THE PITT VILLAIN REGIONAL by P.B.S.
THE PITT HERO REGIONAL by Sta7ic

How will this all end up? Likely out of steam by week 2, but WE WILL WORRY ABOUT THAT LATER. ONWARD!

THINGS THAT ARE BAD REGIONAL

(1) 409 PEOPLE vs. (16) HITLER

(1) 409 People:

You've seen them on TV; you've seen them on Twitter. You've seen their '409' bumper stickers, and their multiple permutations of  '409 4JOPA' license plates. You may even work with a couple. They're the Joe Paterno truthers, and they love love love to tell you just how wrong you are about the CALAMITOUS INJUSTICES put upon their sacred Happy Valley. Why, there's nothing at all wrong there, and Joe Paterno should have all his wins given back plus bonus wins, 4 statues,  and maybe like, some national titles as reparations for the unjust humiliations put on upon the footb-

-the victims? Oh, uh, gosh, yeah we haven't thought about them at all.

(16) Adolf Damn Hitler:

Spilliam! How could history's greatest monster be a mere 16 seed? Answer: Overexposure. Everything is Hitler nowadays. Donald Trump? Hitler. German anti-immigration stances? Hitlers. Bad video games? Like sixteen Hitlers. We need to move past this demarcation for badness if we are ever truly going to heal as a species. Also, everyone's always clamoring for the 16 vs 1 upset - well here you go.

(8) THE MILLENNIALS vs. (9) THE BOOMERS

(8) The Millennials:

(Source: Getty Images)

Ugh, THE MILLENNIALS are responsible for everything wrong with American society these days. Growing up, they wanted everything and now that they're adults, they don't give a damn about any other generation; They only care about furthering themselves. When THE MILLENNIALS vote, they only are interested in other MILLENNIALS. In a perfect world, THE MILLENNIALS would realize they have to share this country with those OLDER than themselves. Our generation is truly the best one.

(9) The Boomers:

(Source: Getty Images)

Ugh, THE BOOMERS are responsible for everything wrong with American society these days. Growing up, they wanted everything and now that they're adults, they don't give a damn about any other generation; They only care about furthering themselves. When THE BOOMERS vote, they only are interested in other BOOMERS. In a perfect world, THE BOOMERS would realize they have to share this country with those YOUNGER than themselves. Our generation is truly the best one.

(5) WINDOWS UPDATES vs. (12) iOS UPDATES

(5) Windows Updates:

Oh damn, you have to go, you didn't even see what time it is. Agh, you're going to be late for class, okay, just save everything and shutdown your laptop and... cmon cmon cmon cmoooooon. I should have just slept it but I wasn't thinking and

INSTALLING WINDOWS UPDATES 1 of 438....
DO NOT TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER OR IT SHALL EXPLODE INTO TINIER PIECES WHICH WILL THEN ALSO EXPLODE

EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

(12) iOS Updates:

Oh cool, this new iOS update seems pretty cool and has a lot of shiny features I will use all of once and then promptly forget about, and hey, my phone is supported! Sure, it's on the lower end of the supported hardware but I mean, surely they test on these devices too, right? Yeah, let's go ahead and update!

SOON:

And it's done, now I just have to turn it on and

why is nothing responding anymore

I tapped the app and

it's

*4 years pass, President Trump has dissolved the United States into an amalgamation of warring tribal clans. All that you have left is a 1993 Ford Taurus, 15 rounds of ammunition, and your wits*

there we go, it finally opened

(4) SAUERKRAUT vs. (12) GUACAMOLE

(4) Sauerkraut

There is no food on this planet that is worse than sauerkraut. This is bad because in the next paragraph I have to convince you that guac is worse, but geez, that's going to be difficult. Where do we start? Sauerkraut is grossly bitter, inedible strings of malice whose existence is God's full, unbridled wrath for eating a stupid damn apple like a billion years ago. Everyone eats it at New Years, which causes me to hope for the End of Days on December 31 just to spare me from smelling that caustic pisslettuce. And yet.

(12) Guacamole

Guac is pasty, slimy, and looks like boogers. On the plus side, it's pretty avoidable as it's usually a topping or condiment, though when you get it in something you didn't ask for, nothing's worse. Oh man, those are some good looking street tacos! BAM, GUAC and your day is ruined. At least with Sauerkraut, the burning stench of deceit gives it away. Guac is the silent killer, lying in wait inside layers of nacho dip until the perfect time to ooze it's skunky green ass all over your damn chips.

(6) WAWA vs. (11) PITT'S OLD WET SEAL LOGO

(6) Wawa

In a vacuum, I guess Wawa can be okay. It's... I mean, it's a gas station that sells food. This is not a new thing, nor does anyone expect to go into a gas station and procure fine edibles that you'd be proud of. HOWEVER, there's one thing that puts it square on this list: Sheetz is better than Wawa.

Stop.

Don't @ me.

I don't care if you're from Philly. Shut up Mike.

(11) Pitt's Old Wet Seal Logo They Used For Like A Year

lol look at this dumb thing.

who thought this was a good idea

(3) PEOPLE WHO SAY 'CATHY' vs. (14) EXPENSIVE ANTOON'S PIZZA

(3) People who call the Cathedral of Learning 'Cathy'

No. Stop with this. You damn kids have to shorten everything, don't you? They can't be 'applications', they have to be 'apps'. Can't call them 'Student Loans', you have to call it 'Crippling and Eternal Financial Burdens'. That's not even shorter you dumb stupid child people.

Asking the 'Cathy' question is a shortcut to find out if someone graduated before, say, 2010. Us Olds will tell you to jump off of a bridge and call it the Cathedral, and everyone else will send you a Snapchat where the filter makes your face look like the German Nationality Room.

(14) Expensive Antoon's Pizza

Expensive here is sort of relative. Apparently in the past few years, local Oakland drunken edible cardboard purveyor Antoon's Pizza decided that they couldn't cheapen the ingredients anymore without being sued, and raised the price from five dollars to...six dollars. SIX DOLLARS PLUS TAX? Who has that kind of money in South Oakland? I remember scouring my Bouquet Street apartment for quarters to get enough for a cheese pizza and proudly taking my sack of change to the counter where a thoroughly disinterested and likely intoxicated handler would hand me a box of 'food'. Now you expect me to find SIX TO EIGHT MORE QUARTERS?

(7) WEEZER vs. (10) ABSOLUTELY (STORY OF A GIRL)

(7) Weezer

(Source: Getty Images)

I honestly don't know if people really even like Weezer anymore. All I know is that I had to ride in the backseat to a wedding in the middle of the state in around 2006 and the entire soundtrack to the ride there and back was unending Weezer. I want to dropkick Rivers Cuomo in his stupid face.

(10) Nine Days - Absolutely (Story of a Girl)

This is
The story of a song
That wholly stands up for everything wrong
with vapid 1990s pop and rock
it's absolutely awful
no one smileeeeesssss

how many days of the year
does this play in my car 
and reduce me to tears
how can a station adhere
to quality standards and play this shit smear

(2) DONALD TRUMP vs. (15) LOCAL TAXES

(2) Donald Trump

75% of all written word on the internet right now is about how Donald Trump is dumb and bad. Guess what:

He's dumb and bad and if you say his name three times into a mirror at night he appears and baselessly insults you.

Man, that .gif is hilarious tho. Look at it.

(15) Local Taxes

I'm not here to argue against local taxes, because I am a reasonable citizen who enjoys things like roads that are plowed in the winter and schools that can afford to pay teachers something close to a living wage. No, what I hate is *filing* local taxes. We've got these great systems for Federal and State taxes - you just log in to a site and take care of business. Then...then there's local. Here's some forms, figure it all out with a pencil. Maybe you have to do this 4 times a year, or maybe you're lucky and it's taken out automatically (BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO FILE FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON), but whatever way you choose: it will be painful and you will actually have to mail something somewhere. if Turbotax let me pay ten dollars to file my local taxes, I would, because then I wouldn't have to figure out how a stamp works.

Alright people, that's it! Now get to voting, and check back tomorrow for more Regionals. Once voting is over, we'll start a new round next week.