Listen up, you plebs. I'm upset. I'm angry at the failure that is democracy. Why should we listen to the Will of the People when it is so very WRONG? I gave you people a chance to voice the correct and good opinion that calling the Cathedral "Cathy" was awful. I even set it as the header image, as a call to arms for those who could fight the good fight and banish that awful nickname from this very plane of existence. And how did you thank me? Hmm?
SIX VOTES. WE NEEDED SIX VOTES. I put my faith in the democratic process and all I have to show for it is a six dollar Antoon's Pizza and I'm not even drunk. I can't believe we've come to this point as a fanbase.
One item of note, I suppose it wasn't clear, but you are to be voting for whichever thing is worse. This is why you should have voted for 'Cathy', because it's the worst thing.
The rest of the votes went pretty much as expected, so let's move on to the new matchups:
(1) 409 People vs (9) The Boomers
(1) 409 People
It should be no surprise to you that Adolf Damn Hitler only got 29% of the vote against the Central Pennsylvania juggernauts that are 409 People. We, of course, are a completely fair and unbiased source for these things. But while they were able to defeat the Fuhrer, can they tackle a nemesis so pervasive that it include a large swath of the 409ers themselves?
(9) The Boomers
(Source: Getty Images)
I'm sure our not-at-all-skewed-young readership thought critically when they decided who was at fault for the world sucking so much. Why, we even had a bonus fight in the comments on who was more at fault in ruining everything! Your voices have spoken, and we have put the burden of fault squarely at the feet of THE OLDS.
Thanks for leaving us a garbage-filled, pisshole of a world where well-paying jobs are conceptual at best and our chasm of student debt gets us a double shift at Starbucks. It was super cool to be told that we could do anything we wanted, but if we wanted to eat, it was STEM, finance, law, or GTFO. Oh, and don't bothering going into those fields now, because 85 trillion graduates come out of those schools on a daily basis so you'll never be hired anyway. Now, was that a double-shot or no?
(5) Windows Updates vs (4) Sauerkraut
(5) Windows Updates
Ever have to update a Windows computer that's been turned off for a couple years? It's the best. Not only does it take six years, but you have to run the cycle like five times before everything is actually downloaded. On top, you're nearly guaranteed that some will conflict and turn Grandma's Compaq into a smoldering heap by round three. In hindsight, I should have made this entry "Family Tech Support", which I think could have easily beaten Hitler and given Trump a run for his money.
Do you want to eat something that looks and smells like vomited-up Easter grass? Did you ever wonder what would happen if you put a rotting corpse through a paper shredder? Want to ruin your life by consuming recycled plastic bag bits steeped in battery acid? Then boy howdy, do I have the food for you! Alienate your friends, neighbors, and God by breaking the Seventh Seal and cooking some flavorful sauerkraut! If this doesn't persuade you, let's all remember this important historical quote:
We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says, "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." I suppose we all thought that one way or another.
-J. Robert Oppenheimer, cooking some stank-ass sauerkraut
(11) Pitt's Wet Seal Logo vs (14) Expensive Antoon's Pizza
(11) Pitt's Wet Seal Logo
Look, Dinocat isn't the greatest. It's messy, it doesn't copy or embroider well. It's a holdover from the 'torch-cut' era of Pitt uniforms. But you know what it looks like? A cat. You know, a Panther. When Pitt rolled out this abysmal re-imagining of Dinocat, it was universally panned. You'll still see it on that unlucky guy who decided to buy a hoodie with it that year, or fella who bought the leather jacket with the big ol' wet seal on the back. I'm pretty sure this thing didn't even make it halfway through the year before it was taken out behind the Fieldhouse and shot.
(14) Expensive Antoon's Pizza
Oh gosh, I seem to have messed up the photo here. Unfortunately, this is the Internet, where nothing can be edited or changed, so you'll just have to pretend that the photo is of a crappy Antoon's Pizza which costs roughly seventeen trillion dollars when adjusted for South Oakland inflation. I was told that Antoon's had two recipes - one for during the day when people who were cognizant of their surroundings were choosing to eat there for some reason, and one for when everyone was so hammered they'd ingest paper plates with pepperoni painted on top of them. This is rather ingenious, because no one can quite remember exactly what it was they ate at Antoon's, further protecting their nefarious trade secrets for another generation.
Anyway, remember the rules for this bracket. Vote for the thing that is the WORST. Antoon's won fair and square, and I would never dream to sabotage the noble democratic process with CHICANERY.
(10) Absolutely (Story of a Girl) vs (2) Donald Trump
(10) Absolutely (Story of a Girl)
This is the story of an earl— Spilly (@IAmSpilly) March 8, 2016
who made a sandwich
and changed the whole world
Ugh, this sing-songy garbage from the 90s is bad. I personally disliked Weezer worse as a whole, but this song is probably near the top of my bizarre hate-charts. There's not really a whole lot more to say about it other than you people who say "Cathy" probably were born after it was popular, so here it is in Youtube form, so you can get it stuck in your head and I can experience the only true thing that brings me happiness anymore: schadenfreude
Whoa hold on, the related video is "Stacy's Mom" which was SO MUCH WORSE THAN THIS ONE. Maybe this category should have been "Abysmal 90's Pop-Rock".
(2) Donald Trump
Instead of the same jokey garbage you can read LITERALLY ANYWHERE about Donald Trump, let me use this space as a PSA: There is a wonderful website entitled http://www.friendswholiketrump.com, which, as long as you're logged in to Facebook, will give you an easy list of your friends and relatives who lend their support the the Ruiner of Mankind. This way, you can easily cut them out of your (internet) life as efficiently as possible.
Alright folks, that's it. Now go out there and DON'T MESS IT UP THIS TIME.