Hello again, Panther fans! It's me - Athletic Director Scott Barnes!
After a solid year and a half of anticipation, teases, and near-measures, it's almost Script Reveal Day! Now, I know you're all excited for the dawning of a new era in Pitt athletics. (I know I am!) But before we get to that, I decided that now would be a good time to throw a few smaller items of business out there. You know, just to get them out of the way so we can really enjoy the Script tomorrow:
- Michael Young is declaring for the NBA Draft.
- Due to our working relationship with the NFL's Pittsburgh Steelers, Tyler Boyd is hereby banished from all Pitt Panthers football facilities until the day in which in he is no longer affiliated with the Cincinnati Bengals. He will not be spoken of until that day comes.
- The accounting department is still working on determining the exact amount of damage done, but as many have speculated our books are a complete mess right now. This is mostly the fault of the ill-fated "If We Lose In the ACC Tournament, We'll Buy Your House" season ticket-holder perk. Due to a legal loophole, we did not specify which ACC Tournament we were focusing on, and have now bought the same fifty houses multiple times.
- Guess who's dotting the "i" of the band's script Pitt for the Penn State game? Here's a hint: his name rhymes with and also is "Milo Yiannopoulos."
- Oh, speaking of the marching band: the recent blight has destroyed all band instruments except the oboe. (This was a nationwide epidemic, so I'm sure you're not hearing about this for the first time. Just confirming that, yep, it got us too.) In lieu of the "One Thousand Oboes Going HAM" style of performance that most schools have adopted, all halftime events will now instead feature two randomly selected students in a Taipei Death Match. Music for these events will be provided by a single oboe.
- Not strictly related to the program, but it sounds like your uncle is not handling his new kidney very well at all. Maybe you should call him.
- We're as tired of the unoriginal, garbage jokes as you are! Because of this, we have decided that next season's November 19th home against Duke is going to be Yellow Seat Night. We are going to hand out yellow chair costumes to everyone who attends, and encourage them to dress as such for future trips to Heinz Field. There, now our fans actually do dress up like empty seats. The sellout streak is on!
- I was as excited about Steven Adams' NBA progress as anyone until I found out that he actually never attended or played for Pitt. He's never even been to the city of Pittsburgh. Our research squad looked it up and it's what's known as a "collective hallucination." It's happened hundreds of times - did you know Virginia Tech fans believe they once had a quarterback named "Marcus Vick?"
- Jamel Artis is declaring for the NBA Draft.
- Also, again, not speaking as athletic director here, but for what it's worth I think we're going to look back on Hamilton mania the same way we look back on the film Avatar today.
- While we still be the Panthers in the new uniforms, our new mascot will be Hortence, Balthazar's Dark Impostor. Hortence looks identical to Roc, but- and I need you to take my word for this one - Hortence is not Roc. Do not treat Hortence like Roc. Do not approach or attempt to take a picture of Hortence. If you plan on attending a game Hortence is performing at (all football and basketball, major non-revenue sporting events), be sure to wear radiation-resistant clothing.
- The new security PIN is 5701. Five-Seven-Zero-One.
- This year's Homecoming Game festivities (Oct. 8 vs Georgia Tech) will include random vaccinations. Men in hazmat suits will be wandering the area outside of Heinz Field and administering unlabeled vaccines to whomever they can capture. I've been having a recurring nightmare featuring this exact scenario and figured this would be the best way to overcome them.
- James Conner is on pace to make a full recovery! He is therefore declaring for the NBA Draft.
- Thursdays With Jamie has officially been re-titled Wednesdays With Kevin. It will still be on Thursdays, although to avoid confusion Wednesdays With Pat has now been renamed Fridays With Dave (although it will still be featuring Pat Narduzzi, whose name will remain Pat). Fridays With Dave will still be on Wednesdays, except in months with four football games, in which case one of the four Fridays With Dave will be moved to whichever day is furthest between the two games surrounding it - usually still Wednesday, but sometimes Tuesday or Thursday. If Fridays With Dave (with Pat) has to be moved to Thursday, that will instead push Wednesdays with Kevin to Friday or, ironically, Wednesday, depending on schedule availability. If both Wednesday and Friday are unavailable, we will instead air an archived episode of Thursdays With Jamie immediately following that week's Fridays With Dave. Mondays With Brandin is cancelled, to be replaced immediately with a re-run of Cheers.
- We're going to make the windows and doors of the Pete absolutely watertight, and then we're going to fill the Pete with water, and it's going to be full of water until Freshman Orientation, and then we're only gonna empty out the big rooms that people go in a lot, and then people are gonna be opening closets and lockers and cabinets for months afterward and they're gonna get soaked, and even after that everything's just gonna be moist and weird for a really long time, and if you bring a phone to a game all the water in the air is gonna screw up your internet or whatever, and if you have allergies and go to the game the air is gonna be really humid and it'll help your breathing. Yay!
- Hortence, Balthazar's Dark Impostor is declaring for the NBA Draft. (May God have mercy on us all.)