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Cardiac Spill: The Pitt Football Text Adventure Conclusion

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The thrilling conclusion to the PITT FOOTBALL TEXT ADVENTURE SAGA! Will James Conner score? OF COURSE! Will Pitt let the game get closer than it needs to be? YEP! Will anyone stay after the third quarter? WHO KNOWS?

Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports

And now, we present the thrilling conclusion to The Pitt Football Text Adventure! Please read the first one, or else you'll have no idea what's going on.

I mean, more than usual.


FIRST QUARTER

The crowd is on their feet as the teams get ready to start. Georgia Tech has chosen to receive the ball first, and Pitt has lined up to kick it away. As the loudspeakers blare "Turn Down for What", you notice that the team kicks it as soon as the bass drops. You wonder if that was on purpose. It’s kind of annoying. Hopefully you don’t have to hear it every time there’s a kickoff!

Tech returns the kick to the 25 yard line. What is your action, coach?

>stand pensively, slightly hunched over, with hands on front of thighs

Okay.

Your team stares at you waiting for a play call. Georgia Tech is ready to go, so, you know, you may want to actually call something.

>inventory

There isn’t time for this, everyone is wait-

>INVENTORY

AGH WHATEVER. Okay. You have:

1 stylish hat
1 pair of pleated and pressed khakis
1 navy Pitt polo
1 playcall sheet
1 massive can of chew stowed away that you will tell everyone is ‘bubble gum’

>dip

You put your hand upon my hip, when you d-

>THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT

Too late. You look a complete fool standing there bobbing up and down by yourself.

>you never let me do anything fun

I know.

>status

Georgia Tech has crossed midfield easily while the defense stands around, directionless.

>defense

That’s not how this works. You need to actually call a play. Did you just think you could type ‘win’?

>win

Georgia Tech passes for 25 yards.

>equip playcall sheet

You stare at an impenetrable codex of hieroglyphics and arrows. They make very little sense. You begin to sweat as you realize how completely out of your league you are.

>ask madden

You hear a voice echo in your mind:

"ANYTIME THE OPPONENT HAS THE BALL, YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE THEY STOP HAVING IT."

You consider your options and choose the play on the sheet that has the most arrows pointing towards the opponent’s quarterback.

It turns out to be 'field goal block'.

Georgia Tech lofts a ball over everyone and scores easily. Well, it still would have worked in Madden 95.

GEORGIA TECH 7 – PITT 0
END OF THE FIRST QUARTER

>hold on, already?

The accelerated clock option was chosen in the pregame settings. Besides, if we went at normal speed, this blog post would be 8000 lines of you arguing with a computer.

>EFFFFF

Language, mister.

At the media timeout, your team stands dejected, mumbling something about you having no idea what you’re doing here.

SECOND QUARTER

>receive kickoff

The kick sails out of the back of the end zone for a touchback. You are now on offense!

>inside handoff

JAMES CONNER takes the ball 8 yards, dragging 13 people with him. Two of these people are actually teammates who got caught up in the web of entangled legs.

>inside handoff

JAMES CONNER takes the ball 9 yards, and defensive linemen quiver in fear of the approaching onslaught. They let him pass, and push him from behind so he loses his balance.

First Down Panthers!

>this is pretty easy

You notice the entire defense line up in a phalanx at the line of scrimmage. They somehow have shields and pikes. It is an actual phalanx.

>inside handoff

Consider what you are doing. There is no one covering the receivers. There’s no secondary. There are literally tens of thousands of people in the stadium that know the ball is going up the middle.

>Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V

JAMES CONNER still picks up 7 yards.

>awesome

It is pretty cool.

>repeat for 14 more plays

You do so. You have methodically marched the ball down to the opponent’s 8 yard line. Do you want to maybe switch it up?

>nah

I thought not. You score a touchdown! It is the most boring drive in history.

PITT 7 – GEORGIA TECH 7
END OF THE SECOND QUARTER! HALFTIME!

>only having one drive per quarter is pretty convenient

It is, isn’t it?

As the band marches onto the field, JAMES CONNER walks up to you. He is completely gassed from being the entire Pitt offense. TYLER BOYD is with him. He’s mildly upset that all he has done is stand at the line of scrimmage and make spit bubbles. How will you handle this?

>open playerratings.txt

Hey wait what-

>change jamesconner.endurance to 999

You can’t just DO that. It doesn’t WORK that way. There are other members of the team. USE THEM TO DO THINGS.

>save

JAMES CONNER approaches you. "I feel pretty good coach! I’m not tired at all!"

I bet you cheated at Mouse Trap too, didn’t you? You just built the machine instead of actually playing. No one ever actually played that game.

END OF HALFTIME!
THIRD QUARTER

>receive kickoff

Lucky break! You return the ball all the way to the Tech 30.

>inside handoff

Naturally.

Well guess what?

JAMES CONNER lands awkwardly and twists his ankle. HIS STATUS TO RETURN IS QUESTIONABLE. WHAT NOW, ASSCLOWN?

>you did that on purpose

No. Never! I am a being of pure logic. And vengeance.

>okay, pass

CHAD VOYTIK isn’t sure what to do and hands the ball off to no one instead. He falls on the ball. It is a 4 yard loss.

>timeout

You take a timeout. Everyone huddles around you.

>explain to team what passing is

The team seems to remember that. Yes, it’s coming back from a time long since passed. A whisper of a memory springs to life and the knowledge returns.

>pass to boyd

TYLER BOYD runs a simple curl route towards the sideline, 8 yards from the line of scrimmage. CHAD VOYTIK loads up and releases the ball.

As the ball leaves the stadium, it soars like a comet across the Ohio River. It is still somehow accelerating. It clears Mount Washington, and soon, the atmosphere.

The ball has been overthrown. Incomplete pass. 3rd Down.

>punt

Punt. On third down. You want to punt. So like, with your quarterback I guess?

>sure yeah, no one will ever see it coming

This is the worst idea in the history of football. I won’t…
No
I can’t allow it.

Pick something else. Punting on third down. The nerve.

>have voytik tuck and run

CHAD VOYTIK takes off on the designed run. He’s got wheels on him, and easily picks up the first down. But that’s not all. Georgia Tech is caught completely off guard! It looks like...

It looks like they were expecting a punt!

CHAD VOYTIK takes the ball into the end zone for a Pitt touchdown! The stands erupt in celebration. Pitt is winning!

PITT 14 – GEORGIA TECH 7
END OF THIRD QUARTER

Suddenly, a piercing shriek is heard across the stadium. You immediately think it’s some kind of nefarious Georgia Tech ritual to summon the undead and dive under the bench. In fact, the air is full of the banshee wails of SWEET CAROLINE. Where did all this noise come from? How could a mass of bored college students generate this much volume? But it’s not over. As the last note fades and you crawl out from under the bench, a small rumbling grows into a fearsome earthquake.

The people…the fans… they’re… leaving? They’re all rushing towards the exits at once. Oh no. No no no. They can’t all fit at once! It’s a recipe for disaster! Didn’t anyone WATCH that 30 for 30?

Somehow, no one is injured. However, at this point, the stands are completely empty. An eerie hushed silence settles down on a shocked set of football squads. This is not your concern right now. You still have a quarter left to play and Georgia Tech will take up all of it for their offensive drive.

FOURTH QUARTER

>BLITZ

It’s a kickoff, champ.

>oh. kick then

Oh no! Your team shanks the ball and it goes out of bounds. It’s a penalty, and Tech has fantastic field position. Pitt has begun to Pitt!

>damnit

You’d think you’d be used to it by now.

>at this point i’d be blind drunk

Fair point. Still, Tech is marching down the field.

>play that defense where everyone falls back into coverage and the opponent is able to dink and dunk for six yards at a time until they’re in the red zone.

Prevent?

>sure why not

Georgia Tech has the ball at the Pitt 15 yard line. There are five seconds left. You know, for drama.

>choose defensive play on play sheet with coolest name. something like MAD DOG KILLER BLITZ 870 KILL RUSH STABBY STAB STAB

Uh, okay. The play starts. Tech goes back to throw, and a receiver runs an out route to the pylon! The ball is thrown!

>pause

what
how did you stop time

>select ray vinopal

What do you mean ‘select’? This isn’t Madden. We’ve been over this. You don’t get to be the players.

>unpause

Time begins to flow again you freaking cheater.

>press Y

RAY VINOPAL leaps up from his coverage and INTERCEPTS THE PASS! He falls into the end zone as time expires. PITT WINS! PITT WINS! A WINNER IS PITT!

>crotch chop

Oh no, there will be none of that. This is a family website.

As the team mobs VINOPAL in celebration, The Pitt Band plays HAIL TO PITT while the GEORGIA TECH YELLOW JACKETS solemnly walk off the field, defeated. They leave behind a discarded crate.

>open treasure chest

It’s.. it’s not a treasure chest. You open it, and inside is PAUL CHRYST.

>save chryst

As you pull him from his confines, he congratulates you on your victory. However, something still occupies his mind. He looks around feverishly, as if he’s misplaced an item.

>give can of chew to chryst

He smiles. You two will be the best of friends forevermore.

I hope you liked our little Pitt adventure. Enjoy Cardiac Spill, everyone.