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Cardiac Spill: The Pitt Football Text Adventure!

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Celebrate the grand opening of our Pitt humor website Cardiac Spill by taking on the role of a generic Pitt football fan destined to save a kidnapped Paul Chryst from the clutches of Georgia Tech.

Sean Gallup

Welcome to Cardiac Spill! You may already know me, but if not, my name is Spilly and I write dumb things on the internet. I used to be the executive chef at SB Nation, but deep down, I've always been a Pitt fan who has wanted to write silly things about the team. So, to kick us off, I'm excited to present the first installment of The Pitt Football Text Adventure.

What is a text adventure? Back in ye olden times of computing, a brand of games were created that simulated an open-ended choose-your-own-adventure book. Zork was the most popular and well-known in this genre. You can read more about it here, if you want. For now, read on to find out if you're a bad enough dude to save the president. head coach.


PITT FOOTBALL: THE GREAT UNDERWHELM EMPIRE

Copyright (c) 2014, Cardiac Spill Incorporated

OUTSIDE HEINZ FIELD

You are a NONDESCRIPT UNIVERSITY OF PITTSBURGH SPORTS FAN. Having braved Fort Pitt Tunnel traffic, 4 closed garages, and impossible to navigate crosswalks full of staggering underclassmen, you stand on GENERAL ROBINSON STREET. It is noon on Homecoming Saturday, and you are excited to cheer on your PITT PANTHERS as they take on GEORGIA TECH. It is a beautiful fall day and the tailgaters are out in full force. It’s an important game! How will you cheer on your team?

>equip Tyler Boyd jersey

You do not own a Tyler Boyd jersey.

>equip James Conner jersey

You do not own a James Conner jersey.

>inventory

In your possession you have:

1 Tyler Palko throwback script jersey. It has holes in it. The number 3 is illegible at this point
1 half gold / half blue "#32" jersey you purchased for four dollars from a street vendor
1 Larry Fitzgerald jersey from 2002. One arm is missing and it is two sizes too small
1 ridiculous foam panther head hat
1 bottle of open, inexpensive malt liquor
1 hilarious fake Wannstedt mustache, circa 2006.
A cell phone, wallet, keys and tickets to the game

>equip bottle

This is not clothing. If you want to be shirtless with an open bottle of alcohol, try the Clemente Bridge.

>equip Tyler Palko jersey

Ah yes, old reliable. None of this navy blue nonsense for you! You are a REAL FAN, and a REAL FAN wears SCRIPT PITT gear. You have mentioned this many, many times on Twitter, on blogs, in comment sections, and to anyone willing to listen to you. Everyone at this point has tuned you out. Typical Dinocat lovers.

>drink bottle

C’mon man, it’s like, noo-

>DRINK BOTTLE

Okay. Alright. You chug what’s left of the bottle. I hope you’re happy. Things get a bit fuzzy.

>shtumble dwon streeet

Unrecognized command.

>leen on stangrs car

Unrecognized command.

>urina-

No. Look, at this rate, you’re going to be passed out in the parking lot before kickoff. Let’s just stop right here.

>sober up

It takes a while, and you can’t quite remember what you did, but you begin to come around. It is 3pm, and kickoff is coming up! You are also missing pants.

>equip Fitzgerald jersey as makeshift trousers

This isn’t the best look, you admit, as one hideously pasty thigh is sticking out of a neckhole in the jersey, but it keeps you legal, and that’s what we’re after here.

>groggily shuffle towards gates

INSIDE HEINZ FIELD

You walk inside Heinz Field, which is dressed in its Saturday best. This, of course, means Pitt logos hastily thrown over top of NFL logos, and four Pitt shirts shoved in front of countless Steeler jerseys in each merchandise store. All in all, it’s not the worst place. The seats are more comfortable than bleachers, the sightlines aren’t bad at all, and they just put in a new scoreboard this year. As you make your way down the concourse, you are approached by a shadowy figure who pulls you aside.

>angrily push him out of the way

Look, are you just going to be an jerk through this whole thing or

>fine, talk to him

Thank you. A little courtesy is all I ask.

The man is wearing an obvious fake beard and introduces himself as ‘Stefan Peterson’. He tells you that the team is in great danger, and that students from Georgia Tech have concocted a scheme to kidnap the head coach Paul Chryst, in order to ensure ACC Coastal dominance this year.

>what

I know right? He needs someone to fill in, and who better for the task than a random inebriated fan wearing jerseys on both halves of their body? Will you take the job?

>ask steve what the compensation will be

Who is Steve?

>ask stefan what the compensation will be

He offers you double loyalty points for men’s basketball season tickets, three (3) free hot dogs per home football game, and your choice from a wide range of pleated khakis to wear on the sideline.

>ask about actual money

You drive a hard bargain. He produces a check for forty-two (42) dollars.

>accept offer

Fantastic! You are now the acting head coach of the University of Pittsburgh Panthers. What is your first action?

>buy real pants

You see a pair of athletic shorts in the merchandise booth.

>use entire salary to purchase shorts

I’m sorry, they cost $50.

>barter down salesperson with ridiculous foam panther head

This works, if only to speed up this already dragging story.

You are escorted into the locker room to meet the players. Everyone is excited to see you, and they eagerly await your pregame speech. Now that you see them up close, you immediately regret all the nasty things you said on Twitter about the team. It turns out they’re real, talented people and not just cardboard cutouts or stereotypes you can exploit for fleeting praise from other random oafs on the internet.

>do a speech at them

Very eloquent, sir. You weave a colorful and evocative verbal tapestry of grit, determination, and drive. You explain to them how long the fans of the school have been stomped into depressed submission; you tell tales of legends past who achieved the pinnacle of the sport and made college football relevant in a region long since dormant. It is a beautiful speech.

No one is paying attention.

>tell them if they lose, they might end up in Birmingham.

The look of fear, horror, and shock envelop the team. Murmurings of "BBVA" and "Legion Field" are heard throughout the room. They begin nodding and jumping up and down. You have lit a fire under them. Good job, coach.

>take the field

You rush out to the field with the band blaring and the cheerleaders screaming. This is awesome! Everyone is here to see you! You look up into the stands and see

seats

well but also people in the seats! In…some of them, anyway.

As the pregame furor dies down, you focus on the task at hand: Beat the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, and save Paul Chryst from the Atlantean Nerds.

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW ON CARDIAC SPILL

Thanks for having me here, and I hope you enjoy our little corner of nonsense.