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Cardiac Spill: Power Rankings!

By P.B.S.
Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

It's the offseason, and that means it's time to make arbitrary rankings (like those seen here or here) and just have at it. Here's one I made with a random number generator.

  1. Michigan
    The random number generator that made this list clearly loves Michigan, the number one team on this list, because they are the number one team on this list.
  2. Kansas State
    Do you think Kansas State is too high? Too low? Just about right? Come argue with me about these results down in the comments. Come on, what else are you doing today? We have like three months to kill.You can also post your own list and I'll tell you why it's wrong.
  3. Iowa
    I mean, seriously! I have Iowa in the number three spot! There's no way that's right.
  4. Illinois
    Illinois had only a so-so football season last year, going 6-7 (3-5 in the Big Ten) and losing in the Heart of Dallas Bowl to Louisiana Tech. This wound up not mattering, however, because nothing about a school's football program was taken into consideration in the making of this list.
  5. Pittsburgh
    Pitt disappoints again by fairing very well on an entirely arbitrary sorting of teams. Had they have ranked relatively low, I would've been able to make some sort of snide comment about Pitt not being able to even do okay on a random list. Pitt being ranked this highly on a Pitt blog just makes us seem biased.
  6. Wisconsin
    Speaking of biases, that's four - count 'em, four - Big Ten teams in the top six! Think about what that would mean for that conference going forward if anything about this meant anything.
  7. Clemson
    You're probably wondering why there's a picture of Derrick Randall getting smacked in the face at the top of this thing. It's a good question.
  8. Iowa State
    Both Iowa schools rank very highly. Good for them! Good for Iowa. Every bit helps.
  9. TCU
    Just think: ten years ago, TCU wouldn't have made a list like this one. Now, they're in ninth. An inspiring story if there ever was one.
  10. Navy
    Coming in at #10 and rounding out the top ten is Navy, who finished up the top ten at the number ten spot.
  11. Oregon State
  12. North Carolina
  13. Michigan State
  14. NC State
  15. Florida State
    This is a good time to point out that on the off chance you run or contribute to an SB Nation Affiliate Blog, you can by all means repackage this content as, say, "Florida State Ranks #15 in Arbitrary Power Ranking." (Look! I already wrote the headline!) Just be sure to link back to the original content while you're doing so.
  16. Maryland
    Just saying: I wouldn't mind at all if you did that.
  17. West Virginia
    I'll say this about ol' WVU: there's probably not much at which they actually come in 17th out of 68. They're either gonna be the best at what they do (partyin', film criticism, being generally awful) or the worst at what they do (hoo boy. hooooo boy).
  18. Duke
  19. Stanford
  20. Ohio State
    All three of these teams won a national championship this year in something, so there ya go.
  21. Wake Forest
  22. Tennessee
  23. Texas A&M
  24. Northwestern
  25. Arizona
  26. South Carolina
  27. Louisville
  28. Oklahoma State
  29. California
  30. Nebraska
  31. Kansas
    With ten relatively uninteresting spots in a row from #21-31, this seemed like a natural break point to add commentary.
  32. Alabama
  33. Penn State
  34. USC
  35. Notre Dame
    BLAMMO! Alabama! Penn State! USC! Notre Dame! There's some pepper for ya!™
  36. Washington State
  37. Syracuse
    Syracuse is a very "37th of 68" sort of place and school, so this works out nicely.
  38. BYU
  39. Virginia Tech
  40. Colorado
  41. Oregon
  42. Arkansas
  43. Vanderbilt
  44. Auburn
  45. UCLA
  46. Baylor
  47. Miami (FL)
    Miami - we're talking about pepper, you want a school with some pepper? There's some pepper for ya!™ So much pepper.
  48. Georgia
  49. Army
  50. Minnesota
  51. Washington
  52. Rutgers
  53. Florida
  54. Purdue
    Even though this is literally a randomly-sorted list of every Power Five conference team, it's still a bit surprising to see Purdue make the cut.
  55. Mississippi State
  56. Missouri
  57. Kentucky
  58. Texas Tech
    Figured that Texas Tech would have to show up somewhere, though.
  59. Indiana
  60. Virginia
  61. Oklahoma
  62. Arizona State
    Maybe you're happy that Arizona State is ranked this low. After all, they stole a football coach from us a few years ago. That is because you are crazy. This is a meaningless ranking made by an unfeeling machine. You either need to let that grudge go or be at least equally upset at Wisconsin.
  63. Texas
  64. LSU
  65. Georgia Tech
  66. Boston College
    This is about right.
  67. Utah
  68. Ole Miss
    Oh no, I've put Ole Miss last! Oh well, what're you gonna do? I mean, when you think about it, there's only one conclusion: there's some pepper for ya!™
Be sure to join Cardiac Hill's Facebook page and follow us on Twitter (@PittPantherBlog) for our regular updates on Pitt athletics. Follow the planet eater on Twitter: @N_THEYSTAYTHERE.

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