Hey everyone. Pitt is ranked! NATIONALLY RANKED. There’s a little number that signifies a team’s entire worth next to the name! Sport score sites have to bother showing Pitt scores on the big shiny scoreboard and not buried under an ACC pulldown.
PITT MATTERS NOW.
Now, here's the real question: How do we, as smarmy internet commenting denizens, deal with this shocking turn of events? We’ve been depressing bloviating sacks for so long, it’s hard to make this life change. With my help and some tough behavioral changes, you too can march out of the pit (HURR) of self-deprecation and finally have the real, honest, earnest Panther pride you so desperately crave.
Step 1) SAY GOOD THINGS
This is going to be surprisingly hard! Believe me, I know. You’re going to be used to saying some things that help cover the empty gnawing pain inside. For example, maybe you want to tweet out a pithy swipe at boring uniform combinations.
I hope Syracuse is decked out in bizarre-ass two tone mirror helmets and we look like loaves of bread— Pitt Optimist Spilly (@IAmSpilly) October 22, 2015
No! This is bad. Sure, Vegas Beige is a snooze fest and outfitting an entire team in them is going to make us look like a lot of used 2005 Toyota Camrys, but we're thinking DIFFERENT now. Let's try that tweet again!
Alright, so...yeah. This is going to take some practice. You're going to be hardwired to be a snarky, dismissive internet jerk and being earnest is difficult. Let's give it another try! You can do it!
Well, you're sort of getting the hang of it. Remember, you and your team are good now! Don't say bad things about errant passes, or missed tackles, or make the 300th Blewitt joke of the day. You are an AMBASSADOR for the Pitt brand! Act like it!
Step 2) LEARN TO TRASH TALK
"But Spilliam," you whine, "I am a mildly-popular internet personality and I need to direct my vitriol SOMEWHERE. Positivity doesn't give me those precious favstars like sweet, sweet malice does!"
Relax, internet randos! Remember how you used to baselessly mock your own team before your rivals could to hopefully diffuse their scorn? Well NOW you can aim it AT them! Bombs away!
@PennStateFball your bad— Pitt Optimist Spilly (@IAmSpilly) October 23, 2015
Okay. This is a start. But Penn State is big and they think they're so great and "lookit me I have a bigass stadium in the middle of the state! meh! Pitt is dumb and we don't like them because our rival is actually (_____)
@WestVirginiaU your also bad but not as bad as pennstate— Pitt Optimist Spilly (@IAmSpilly) October 23, 2015
Hmmm. This is a lot harder than I thought. Let's try attacking a fan directly. And hey, it's Syracuse week, so let's drop righteous truth bombs upon Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician.
@NunesMagician so you are our assigned rival and that means your bad and also the carrier dome is bad it's just a giant carpeted garbage can— Pitt Optimist Spilly (@IAmSpilly) October 23, 2015
What we've learned: trash talking is actually very difficult. Maybe it's best left to the professional Penn State trolls.
Thanks, Mike. You are the sassy internet hero that Pitt Twitter needs.
Step 3) LEARN HOW TO SIT NEXT TO OTHER PEOPLE
So now, instead of having your own section at Heinz Field, nachos in one seat, poorly concealed plastic flasks of alcohol in another, and with your feet kicked up over a seat apiece, you're going to need to learn how to share your space with other, newer fans. This is a good thing! Other fans attending games means more people to cheer with, sing with, and ultimately get into sprawling drunken brawls with. And hey, they don't know about Sweet Caroline! When you put your arm around them to sway, you'll share a moment of tenderness before you're decked in the jaw and concussed.
More importantly for your ego, you can be That Fan. The Fan Who Was THERE, Man. You were THERE when Mardy Gilyard ran down our hearts. You were THERE when you'd have to lie to your family and say that you were sick so you could skip Thanksgiving and attend a freezing Backyard Brawl. Everyone in a seating section LOVES That Guy! You'll get free drinks the entire game (poured lovingly over your head).
Step 4) TRY NOT TO USE 'PITT' AS A VERB
This is quite possibly the toughest one of all. You're going to see Pitt give up a boneheaded play in the fourth quarter that ties the game, and it's going to be right there, taunting you. You'll want to embrace it. You want to yell the word out into the heavens. You'll have the LOL PITT PITTED TOLD YOU GUYS SAME OL PITT tweet saved in your drafts like a loaded pistol.
But you can't.
I dunno guys. This team this year feels a lot different than usual. Pitt never went this long without royally screwing up. The Pitt I knew would have lost at least 3 of the games it has won. A Pitt team with James Conner right now would be undefeated and heading for a clash with Clemson for the ACC Championship (and it still might take care of that last part!). Narduzzi, Barnes, and Gallagher have combined to imbue a buzz around the program that I don't remember there being in ten years, easily - probably more. There's finally momentum; we're finally rising out of the fog.
So yeah. Pitt is good. For real. Unironically. Pitt is good!