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Cardiac Spill: 2014 Holiday Gift Guide!

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Christmastime (or should I say "Chryst"mas time, ha ha ha ha!) has returned as predicted, and that means it's time to buy presents! But what do you get for the Pitt fan in your life? We have a few terrible ideas.

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Just because Pitt has to ruin Christmas doesn't mean you do, too!
Just because Pitt has to ruin Christmas doesn't mean you do, too!
Brett Carlsen/Getty Images

It's December! Time to put on a goofy sweater, pour yourself a warm glass of cocoa, and cozy up to the warm glow of the... laptop screen?

That's right - nowadays more shoppers than ever have turned to the World Wide Web to do their holiday shopping. "Cyber Monday" this year raked in $2.04 billion combined for all sorts e-stores and web shops; that's enough to money to circle the equator a few times, if, like, it was all pennies! To put it another way, if that money was on a debit card, the card would need to be eight feet wide and thirty feet long to hold all that money! Wow!

My point is, lots of people are buying gifts online, and it's high time you did the same. But anyone can buy a t-shirt off a corner or a sweatshirt from the store maybe ten feet from that corner - boring. Here are a few great gift ideas sure to be a "touchdown" for the real fans in your life!

Item listings are linked in the titles - sorry in advance if someone got to these great deals first!

Stocking Stuffers!

Pitt Panthers Aluminum Miller Lite Bottle

$9.90 + FREE Shipping!

Lack proof that you were in the general Pittsburgh area in 2012? Nostalgic for that time you drank a pint of Miller Lite at Carson City Saloon on a Wednesday night, because that's the night they're cheap? Do you hate beer, but love the Panthers? Are you willing to, in essence, pay a stranger $7 to remove the beer from a bottle for you? Well then, have I got the thing for you! For less than a tenner, you get a special Pitt-colored Miller Lite aluminum pint bottle. It's blue! It's gold! It says "football!" And here's the best part: the beer's not there anymore! A must-have for fans of aluminum cans and the middle tiers of college football alike.

Please note: The word "Pitt" appears nowhere on the bottle. As such, it is possibly a St. Louis Rams Kickoff Pint masquerading as a Pitt Panthers Kickoff Pint. With that in mind, come on, it's shipping from Clarion.

A Menagerie of Old Schedules

Prices Vary

If your loved one is anything like me (note: you are nothing like me. none of you are anything like me), then they are never the one who goes out to pick up the pizzas. And if that's the case, then they've been missing out for years on the free pocket schedules they put on the counter! Help them feel the excitement of a new season with options that fit every budget:

An Unsigned Photograph of Lafayette Pitts

$4.75 + $3.50 Shipping

Relive all the magic moments of Lafayette Pitts' career, and speculate on those still to come, with this frame-ready 8x10 photograph! I know what you're thinking: "This is just a dumb ol' picture! I want this autographed!" Well sorry, bub, but college players just don't do that too often! There's definitely not a whole bunch of signed photos of notable current Pitt football stars on eBay, and if there were I'm sure that they were signed free of charge! Please don't ruin us, NCAA, we have so little already!

Jerseys & Lingerie!

Mystery Autographed #45 Basketball Jersey

$9.99 + $3.22 Shipping

Speaking of autographs: We all love a good mystery, right? From the item description:

Up for bid is a an autograph jersey #45 the only player that has wore this that I could find is dejuan Blair. A great find

A great find, indeed! And hey, you never know: maybe DeJuan Blair does sign his name "M. uaI." We'll never know for sure, as he never signs autographs.

Pitt Sexy White Cami Top and Lace Booty Shorts Set (Includes Matching G-String)
$39.50 + $1.75 Shipping

[Author's Note: If you only click one of these... look at this one.]

Marital life going stale? Spice things up in the bedroom with an ensemble that made me laugh so hard the first time I saw it I was honestly concerned I was going to puke! Make your significant other purr like a Panther after they're done giggling for like two hours like my girlfriend did!

This sexy, sexy sex thing comes with lingerie that covers three of the sexiest parts of the woman with Pitt logos, like you've always wanted! It's perfect for honeymoons, anniversaries, and doing unspeakable things in a stadium bathroom like the trash you are. When global warming ends winter but before rising tides flood the rivers, it'll be the perfect tailgate outfit! It's a gift for both of you, assuming one of you is a Pitt fan and the other has no idea how to relate to said Pitt fan.

But hold on! Single? Loser? No life? Model trains? It's not just a gift for couples! Buy it for Penn State fans to wear when they lose bets! (Be sure to buy the counterpart for when you inevitably lose a bet, of course.) Buy it to prove it exists! Ladies - confuse your one-night stands! Gentlemen - really confuse your one-night stands!

On the whole - just an amazing, amazing product that I definitely did not create myself for the purposes of this article.

University Large Shirt Jersey Football NFL 99

£93.99 + £15.00 Shipping (6% Off!)

Sure, maybe the Panthers probably never actually wore this jersey, and this seller is in fact some sort of confused British eBay robot. But that's where your imagination comes in! Show up at Heinz in one of these and claim to have traveled somehow from an alternate dimension, one where this is the Panthers' iconic uniform! Regale your aisle-mates with tales of LaRod Stephens-Howling's Heisman season - and don't forget that classic Orange Bowl comeback against the Tide! Or, start a movement! The script had a pretty intense following, after all. Start a grassroots campaign to make this the primary uniform! It may one day happen suddenly, without really any warning at all!

"LaVigna #45" Bluebonnet Bowl Jersey

Opens at $124.99 + $8.00 Shipping

Own a "piece of history" with this game-worn football jersey! Walk around town with the confidence of a football star! Get approached by strangers and have this conversation, over and over!

Who's LaVigna? He was a linebacker for Pitt in the 80's!
Was Pitt good then? We were okay!
Was he, like, a star or something? I don't think so! I think we was just a starter, based on the wear on this jersey! I found his LinkedIn page, he joined the Secret Service after college and has had a successful career there!
What's that patch on the shoulder? It commemorates Pitt's appearance in the 1988 Bluebonnet Bowl against Texas! It was played at the Astrodome!
Did Pitt win? Nope! Lost by five!
What's the Bluebonnet Bowl called today? Actually, the bowl shut down forever after Pitt played in it!
Why is that? Because Pitt is a blight that destroys!
So, what, you found this at a Goodwill or something? Nope! I paid $130 for it!

You may, of course, be thinking that the asking price for this item is a bit high. To which I respond: what, you think you can get a signed Dorsett jersey for $130?

Autographed Tony Dorsett Jersey

Opens at $149.99 + $8.00 Shipping

See? It's, like, an extra fifteen dollars if you want that. And if you have that kind of money, you might want to consider some of these...

Luxuries!

1928 Rose Bowl Program (Pittsburgh vs. Stanford)

$1,250 + $30 Shipping

Do you just hate having money? Do you consider burying, shredding, or burning your cash too cliché, but are too greedy to just give it all away? Are you part of an elaborate money laundering scheme? Are you an old person? Are you collecting items for an eccentric old person's football museum? Are you actually, literally trying to buy a gift for someone who has basically everything? Well then, have I got just the purchase for you.

Some Sort of Pitt Panthers Branded Fire Pit

$249.99 + Shipping

More like Fire "Pitt," ha ha ha ha!

Warm your mitts and make sacrifices to the uncaring gods that destroy all that you love with this ceremonial fire "Pitt!" This item is perfect for those brisk autumn nights in the backyard and for casting in voodoo dolls made of the hair of Syracuse players alike. Great for firewood, but High Octane t-shirts and printouts of my tweets also make great kindling. Burns ten times safer than a couch. Perfect for tailgates, neighborhood parties, and dens of the occult!

Thimbles!

Pittsburgh Panthers Porcelain Thimble

$4.99 + FREE Shipping!

You've got jerseys of all shades of gold and blue, floppy Panther hats, branded Panther sweats, and, because they were on sale, Pitt flip flops. You own those hardback books about local sports history that James Conner just rendered outdated. All the clock faces in your house are adorned with the block logo, and all your towels have the script. You think you own every piece of Pitt merchandise imaginable, huh?

You fool. You arrogant, impetuous fool. What happens on the day you tear your precious hoodie rambling through the brambles? The day your precious 13-9 sweatshirt gets caught on thorns? What happens when you get stabbed through your Zoo tee after you're unlucky enough to take that trip to Austin the same weekend Texas is hosting the 'eers? They don't sell that design anymore! You'll need to stitch it up, but to do so you'll be forced to wear... a plain, un-logo'd thimble?

No longer. No longer, I say! No longer! Now you are complete! Now, as you stitch, the Dinocat smiles upon you! At last, you are whole. At last all is wonderful in your happy Christmas house. You are loved. You are finally, mercifully complete! All is at last calm and wonderful, PANTHER FANS! EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND THE SNOW FALLLLLLLLLS UPON YOU?! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT MY SPIRIT TELLS ME ISN'T TRUE, PANTHER FANS, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME USE LOWERCASE LETTERS ANY LONGER YOU RAT BAS

Be sure to join Cardiac Hill's Facebook page and follow us on Twitter @PittPantherBlog for our regular updates on Pitt athletics. Follow the author @N_THEYSTAYTHERE.