A Cardiac Spill Guide To The New Basketball Guys

Did you know the "B" in PBS stands for "basketball?" It's true! And with a new "basketball" season starting this week, who better to guide you through the horrifyingly large number of new players on the roster?

By P.B.S.@N_THEYSTAYTHERE Nov 13, 2015, 8:00am EST

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1. Which Simpsons Reference is Rozelle Nix?

Rozelle Nix has been committed to Pitt since the dang Nixon administration. We have been paying attention to Pensacola State Junior College basketball games since early 2011, in which he averaged thirty points and five hundred blocks, probably. He has lost two hundred pounds in conditioning for this program, developed amazing form, and is all our hopes and dreams given flesh. He is gonna be the best.

Rozelle Nix is being redshirted for the 2015-16 season.

Rozelle Nix is the fireworks factory.¹

2. Eight Failed Anagrams for "Alonzo Nelson-Ododa"

Adobo Slalom Zona
No Lozenge Dodalala
Z-Slam: A Damn Lollerson
Dodo? Alone? Solange Sosa.
Alone, Lasso Men Qdoba, Son!
Slom On Lonzo Doodle
NOLA-Soled Ozone Allen
Alonso Nelson-Adobe

3. Why We All Need to Hope Rafael Maia Has An Amazing Breakout Season

Not because he's on our team we need production from big guys up front, especially Friday night against Gonzaga. Not because we are relying on graduate transfers so heavily this season that we just have to hope one of them somehow has a breakout post-senior season. Not because I particularly like him (although I have nothing against the guy). Not because he's white.²

Maia is a guitar-strumming, basketball-playing Brazilian. If he were to somehow make the NBA, I theorize that within two years he would produce the greatest local car dealership ad of all time. There'd be flamenco music, and sighing women, and he'd be wearing one of those hats and holding a rose in his teeth... the whole Latin Lover thing. All to sell you a dang Sorento from Kia of Portland. It would be the best.³

4. In Some Order: One Quick Bio of Damon Wilson and Three Summaries of Craigslist Personals

He is 21 years old. He enjoys hanging out, staying up late, going to the movies and being outside. He is single. He has been a volunteer firefighter and has worked security for the Steelers. He lives close by.

He is 18, 6'2'', and athletic. He previously lived in Germany, and now lives with a roommate. He considers himself "mature" and "laid back" and has a nice car.

He is 6'5", 200 pounds. He previously lived near Atlanta. He likes Empire and WORLDSTAR. He once took two girls to the same prom.

He plays sports, listens to music, and reads. He is half black and half Italian. He is looking for a woman who is willing to visit California and actually has a large/big butt, please, no women sitting on sinks or doing tricks with mirrors, those are not acceptable to his standards.

5. Consider: Is Ryan Seelye the Most Walk-On Ever?

I never thought of Pitt as a top walk-on producer, but the potential was always there: after all, isn't every walk-on ever from Pennsylvania? I checked, and yes: every Big Ten school's benchwarmers are from Easton. So it was about time we got a potential All-American at the position. And damn, does this kid seem to have it all: the floppy blonde afro, the whole "oh, dang, a frat guy snuck on the court" vibe, the seeming lack of expression other than "stoned" and "overwhelmed," the scrappiness... oh my God, the scrappiness. Let's hope he doesn't waste his potential by getting more than two minutes a night, or playing in a conference game. I don't mean this to insult, by the way, because I, too, love the guy already. If he doesn't have his own cheering section by January, we've failed as a fanbase. Come on, y'all, let's get Seelye's Seals going - arf arf!

6. Seven Helpful Mnemonic Devices for Remembering Which is Sterling Smith and Which is Zach Smith

Sterling Smith is six-foot-four, so you can say of him there's more! Zach Smith is but six-foot-three, and he's rarely on the floor!
A thirty-five on the jersey means it's Zach Smith, surely. It it's a fifteen: it's Sterling, it seems.
Is he shooting a three? That's Sterling Smith you see! Is he not shooting a three? That's Zach Smith you see!
Is he start-ing? It might be Sterl-ing! Is he not? It's "not" Sterling!
Sterling Smith hangs tightly. Zach Smith stands mightily.
That player's on the court - that's Sterling Smith, of court-se!
Zach = White
Sterling = Black⁴

7. Jonathan Milligram

If winning was liquid, then he's surely going to be the slightest difference that puts us into the tournament. He may only get a few good drops this year, but those are key if we're going to be a team that makes a dif

hm.

uh.

hmm

i can do this...

focus

7. Jonathan Millipede

nope

7. The Plot Summary for Jonathan Livingston Seagull With All References to the Main Character Replaced by the Phrase "Jonathan Milligan"

ugh

7. jon millgan. jonny milgian?

johnny bones millgan. jon bones. jon milgram. mill i gan

why do we recruit players in september

why couldn't they have given me a warning

7. why is there no info anywhere about this guy

like anywhere

nothin

i got

jonathan

...

got it

7. The Jonathan Milgram Experiment

It's going to be shocking what this guy does on the court!

Be sure to join Cardiac Hill's Facebook page and follow us on Twitter (@PittPantherBlog) for our regular updates on Pitt athletics. It's me, the guy, on Twitter: @N_THEYSTAYTHERE.

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Foonotes

1. Mustapha Heron is Gabbo. Tyrone Haughton is the 1982 World's Fair. Maverick Rowan is also Gabbo. ↩

2. For all you know, he may not even be "white," as we define it in the United States. As complex as race is in this country, it's even more confusing (although significantly less tumultuous) in Brazil - a nation where the children of over three centuries of immigrants, former slaves, and native populations have intermingled to produce a population that is "at once culturally homogeneous and chromatically diverse." That is all to say that there is a whole range of groups with which Maia could potentially identify depending on his personal history and heritage. ↩

^{3. They'd do this. There is no doubt they'd do this.↩} ^{4. That's another Simpsons reference! Bazinga! ↩}