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Cardiac Spill: We Need to Talk About Chris

Despite two years of continuous use by an uncountable number of head coaches and even some national talk show attention, it is painfully clear that some of the people out there still don't know about Pitt's placekicker. This needs to end, now.

By P.B.S.

I am, in a way, trying to speak to the broader human condition when I basketball about Pitt shouting (or whatever it is I do). Every Sisyphean football season, the slow-motion crash that is the basketball program right now, getting your heart broken by a collegiate wrestler just days after you found out that college wrestling was a thing... those are stories about life, man. And if I can figure out the way to communicate that to the world at large, I'll become rich, and get famous, and someone will finally love me.

I totally get that my appeal is pretty niche, though.

I know what it seems like, but it's actually completely legal to follow @N_THEYSTAYTHERE even if you're not a guy, living in Pennsylvania, between the ages of 18 and 35, who likes both Pitt sports and prepackaged deli meats, and lives in a home with a value in the $100,000-$199,999 range. However, it does make you a disgusting freak, which is probably why those are so rare. So when I asked my followers questions like

I figured that, paying no heed to scoundrels and trolls, the group that answers would be basically 100% knowledgeable. That's because, for one, he has been starting for two years and his name is repeated several times each game whenever he comes out and does kicks. But more importantly, it's because - if you somehow did not know - Pitt's kicker, their Guy Who Either Wins Or Loses The Game, their player who was recruited to placekick at a Power Five Conference program that is frequently on national television, and recruitd to do so on scholarship, a program with rivals that have mean jerk fans... the name of that guy is

Chris

Blewitt

---

So every game day, when a drive stalls in the Heinz Ketchup Presents The Red Zone, Pitt fans can do a quick search on any number of social media platforms and find scores of people who got jokes. And those jokes that they got were super funny and great for us, too! The first time we heard them. And then maybe one other time.

But here's the problem:


The people who answered the survey when I put it out did well. They proved entirely capable of putting the round peg in the round hole and as a result got two cookies at snack time.


Meanwhile, here are the responses after Spilly gave the survey a retweet.

The divide is like that for the same reason this ain't "CARDIAC HILL PRESENTS PANTHER SPORTZ GOOFZ WITH YOUR HOST PITT BASKETBALL SHOUTING" (my suggested name for Cardiac Spill). That ain't for the people. Mashing Waffle Crisp into pickle juice is for the people. The people follow Spilly. And the people don't know Chris Blewitt's dang name. And that's why for the past two years we as Pitt fans have been the hungover Universal Studios ride hosts of college football, getting on the boat knowing the tourists will scream bloody murder when the animatronic shark attacks but totally powerless to shut them up.

But how does one inform the universe?

Idea for Informing the Universe of Chris Blewitt

Please consider my mock-up below.

If you like this idea, please send blimp money ASAP.

Cheaper Idea for Informing the Universe of Chris Blewitt

I wrote this letter you can share with whoever you think doesn't know.

---

Hello there!

I need you to pay attention to the next thing I say - especially you, Pitt's upcoming opponents in the next two years (that is to say, especially you, fans of Youngstown State, Akron, Iowa, Virginia Tech, Virginia, Georgia Tech, Syracuse, North Carolina, Notre Dame, Duke, Louisville, Miami (FL), Villanova, Penn State, Oklahoma State, Marshall, or Clemson, although fans of Wake Forest, Florida State, North Carolina State, or Boston College should pay attention too just in case there's an ACC Championship Game match-up, and fans of Cincinnati, East Carolina, Temple, UCF, UConn, USF, Houston, Memphis, Navy, SMU, Tulane, Tulsa, Baylor, Iowa State, Oklahoma, Texas, Texas Tech, Kansas, Kansas State, TCU, West Virginia, Illinois, Indiana, Maryland, Michigan, Michigan State, Ohio State, Rutgers, Illinois, Minnesota, Nebraska, Northwestern, Purdue, Wisconsin, Charlotte, FAU, FIU, MTSU, Old Dominion, Western Kentucky, Louisiana Tech, North Texas, Rice, Southern Miss, UTEP, UTSA, Army, BYU, Navy, Ball State, Central Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, Northern Illinois, Toledo, Bowling Green, Buffalo, Kent State, Miami (OH), Ohio, UMass, Air Force, Boise State, Colorado State, New Mexico, Utah State, Wyoming, Fresno State, Hawaii, Nevada, SDSU, SJSU, UNLV, Arizona, Arizona State, Cal, Stanford, USC, UCLA, Oregon, Oregon State, Utah, Washington, Washington State, Colorado, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, LSU, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Texas A&M, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Appalachian State, Arkansas State, Georgia Southern, Georgia State, Idaho, New Mexico State, South Alabama, Texas State, Troy, UL-Lafayette, and UL-Monroe should be on alert in the event of a bowl game pairing) - very closely:

Pitt's kicker is named Chris Blewitt.

Wow, right?

I know what you're thinking: this is so ironic. But it's not. It'd ironic if Roberto Aguayo's name was Chris Blewitt. This is Pitt's kicker we're talking about - Pitt, a program that just last season blew a ten point halftime lead against Iowa to blow an undefeated start to the season, blew a home game against Akron, blew a fourteen point lead facing North Carolina, blew a twenty-five point lead with eleven minutes left to Houston in a bowl game... and, oh yeah, blew a chip shot field goal as time expired on the way to losing to Duke (yes - Chris actually blew it once! I'm amazed you don't remember him from that).

That Pitt's kicker is named Chris Blewitt isn't ironic. It's appropriate.

But just to be clear: Kansas blows. Wake Forest blows. The fine dining scene in State College blows. Pitt doesn't blow... but they do blow it a lot.

Hope this letter finds you in good health and have a blessed day.

Regards,

P.B.S.

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Alright, problem solved! Time to check on some reader feedback:

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

Welp. I guess ignore everything I just said.

:(

Be sure to join Cardiac Hill's Facebook page and follow us on Twitter (@PittPantherBlog) for our regular updates on Pitt athletics. Follow the pastiche artist on Twitter: @N_THEYSTAYTHERE.

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