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Cardiac Spill: Definitive Proof of Elaborate Conspiracy in ACC

Jim made a number of good points yesterday in his post about the state of the team, but I realized during Sunday's game that he was only discussing the symptoms - not the disease. Pitt's mediocrity since it joined the ACC isn't a coincidence, nor is it Jamie's fault or anyone else at in the program. No - this is a conspiracy.

By P.B.S.

Theoretical Proof of Conspiracy

Home "Wins" in the ACC: Thus far, ACC teams have won a mere 63.5% of their home games against other ACC teams. Meanwhile, Pitt's win percentage at the Pete has historically been around 90%, meaning that a mere 10% of their wins come on the road (or about two per season, based on recent averages). Pitt has thus been put into a situation (ACC conference play) where a mere 10% of 37.5% of their road games are winnable (3.75%), and yet it's half of their schedule (50%). This means that the ACC is putting Pitt every year into a position where nearly 48% of their games are rigged against them.

What the hell, right? Even a skeptic has to raise an eyebrow at these figures.

Playing With House Money: Further, supposed "road" games are ultimately more like "flight" games for Pitt, who has to travel out of state for each of these games. Meanwhile, teams in Northcarolina have a guaranteed three games per season within the "friendly confines," and even teams in Virginia, Florida also have at least one bonus annually. This adds an effective win multiplier each season of anywhere from 1.1x (Florida, Virginia) to 1.25x (Northcarolina) for each of these teams. Meanwhile, because of an effective "tit for tat" reciprocity of the above system, teams like Pitt are faced with a daunting (on average) 0.8x win multiplier each season as a direct result of this effect.

Lense-Thirring Precession: I can't explain this any better than the Wikipedia article can.

2016 Primary Results (This is what really tipped me off...): Let's be real, infinite strings to pull does not imply infinite string-pullers. There are a limited number of forces available to manipulate our "reality" in the United States of America any given day, right? So on February 9, 2016 (AD), Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump both won the New Hampshire primaries, right? Crazy, right? You're thinking, "the powers that be would never allow such a thing," right? Well, it turns out that the powers that be were busy. They were busy helping Miami beat Pitt.

Look at what they chose. Look at their priorities. Do not let them get away with this.

Practical Proof of Conspiracy

You think you can't see all this in action? Of course you can. That's the thing about the people in the shadows: they always have to sign their names to the crimes. They can't be content with the control. Just look at our "free press" "media" that allegedly provides an "impartial" look at things. The lie tells itself.

With six seconds on the shot clock late in the game, Virginia's players stood in this formation:

Besides the classic five-pointed formation they stood in, which basically gives the whole game away right there, note the eerie number of instances of the numbers 7, 9, 27, and 29. Further, 5.6 (2.8*2) seconds prior to Miami's game-winning rebound tip-in, the Miami starting five stood in a similar formation:


For additional context, here is an extreme close-up of Karl Hess' ear:


Wow.

Of course, this doesn't "prove" anything, right? That's just a coincidence, right? Everything is exactly as it seems, right? Well, sheep, let me show you this map of ACC headquarters...


That's right. It is contained not just within Northcarolina, but also surrounded by a series of highways - federal highways - that are constructed in the shape of Northcarolina. Right next to a "triad" airport!! ARE YOU SERIOUS???

If you need more convincing... man... just get your World Government t-shirt now and wait for the floodwaters to come take you. See you in the United Nations' Prison Colony, I guess. Have fun mining saltrock for the lizardman.

I'm Convinced -- But How Do We Fight This?

First and always, the usual tools for fighting an all-knowing shadow government should be useful to you here. When you want to communicate about the struggle, exclusively use the "three T's" (Tor, Twitter, & Timecube) and, like last time, speak only in the underground language. As a reminder, here is a simple all-clear:

SENDER: Box emoji, eyes emoji, fire emoji. "Unrivaled." Haha.

RECEIVER: It's a great day to be a Panther on the Prowl. Chain gang. Box emoji.

SENDER: Box emoji. Chain gang, box emoji.

All communication follows in a pattern that should be easily extrapolated from the above. All misuses of code should be treated as illuminati attempts to interfere with information and anyone who misuses code should be mistreated in kind.

Now, based on historical tax documents and an 1988 ACC Media Guide I found, I happen to know that ACC basketball teams are actually (for financial purposes) operated by shell corporations set up to protect its executives in case of another athlete lockout. These corporate entities are located in the same place as the basketball team, but absorb all liability. It is my belief that because the controllers of the game are operating under the same umbrella that if the corporation associated with the University of Pittsburgh was moved from western Pennsylvania to Chapel Hill (Northcarolina), the nonbinding arbiter who controls game results would be unable to distinguish the two and thus be forced to treat both as successful. Wins would follow.

Finally, we all recognize that recruiting is a big weakness right now. But that's nothing a little tin foil and duct tape can't fix. If we put all assistant coaches to work not just making impressions on potential recruits, but also covering them head-to-toe in industrial strength foil to prevent the "brain radiating" Duke University Coach K chemtrails from seeping into their vaccines, then pretty soon we'll dominate the class rankings.

If you have further questions or concerns, please drop a letter in the oak tree I am thinking about right now. I will answer it via astral projection.

Be sure to join Cardiac Hill's Facebook page and follow us on Twitter@PittPantherBlog for our regular updates on Pitt athletics. If you like Pitt athletics and the Time Cube, maybe also follow @N_THEYSTAYTHERE.

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