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Cardiac Spill Bracket of Things: Pitt Villains

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Everyone runs fake brackets this time of year, and now Cardiac Spill is jumping on the bandwagon. Join us over the next month as we debate stupid things that don't matter while you stuff the ballot boxes for your strongly held internet beliefs.

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Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

HELLO FRIENDS AND WELCOME BACK TO THE CARDIAC SPILL BRACKET OF THINGS. DAY THREE IS TRADITIONALLY THE LEAST COOL DAY OF THE REAL NCAA TOURNAMENT, SO TO COUNTERACT THAT I'VE DECIDED TO JUST GO FULL-ON PURESTRAIN HATE, HATE HATE, (HATE HATE HATE, HATE HATE). THIS IS THE PITT VILLAINS REGIONAL.

Goodly Pitt Fans, you may be wondering how this is distinct from the first regional, "Things That Are Bad." But really search your heart: does Donald Trump sit in the same place in your heart as Scottie Reynolds? No. That is a flame you alone carry as you slink deeper into the dusty, horrifying catacombs of Pitt fandom. I continue.

THE SELECTION METHODOLOGY FOR THIS REGIONAL WAS SIMPLE:

  1. SELECT THE FIVE HUNDRED MOST INFLUENTIAL "PITT TWITTER" USERS, AS DETERMINED BY KLOUT
  2. USING A NEAREST-SQUARE METHODOLOGY AND A TONE ANALYSIS MATRIX (SUCH AS THIS) TO DETERMINE WHICH PHRASES EVOKED THE MOST "NEGATIVE LANGUAGE INDICES"
  3. NETWORK CONNECT THE TERMS FOR COMMONALITIES
  4. ALPHABETIZE THE REMAINING TERMS
  5. DISREGARD ALL OF THAT INFORMATION AND JUST PICK PEOPLE FROM THIS DECADE WHO I COULD THINK OF IN AN HOUR
  6. CRASH INTO WALLS

SO GET READY GET SET AND INSTALL A SEAT BELT ON YOUR DESK CHAIR AND THEN BUCKLE IT UP REAL TIGHT BECAUSE IT'S TIME TO RAGE (HATE)

Pitt Villains Regional

(1) Todd Graham vs. (16) Duquesne

(1) Todd Graham

THE MAN WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION, BECAUSE HE LEFT DURING THE PREVIOUS SPEAKER

TODD GRAHAM IS A THE ONE SEED BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY MAN WHO IS OUT HERE OPENLY DISRESPECTING THE CAUSE, RIGHT? LIKE, OUR RIVALS NEED TO EXIST. THEY DEFINE US IN PARTICULAR WAYS. WEST VIRGINIA BEATS US IN FOOTBALL BECAUSE THAT'S HOW RIVALRIES GO SOMETIMES. THE WHOLE GRAHAM FIASCO NEVER NEEDED TO HAPPEN. IT WAS PURE UNNECESSARY PAIN AND IS WHOLLY UNFORGIVABLE.

PUT IT ANOTHER WAY: IF THIS BRACKET WERE "ANT VILLAINS," THE ONE SEED WOULDN'T BE AN ANTEATER. IT'D BE THE KID WITH THE MAGNIFYING GLASS WHO BURNS ANTS. THO ANTEATERS WOULD BE A SOLID THREE OR FOUR, DEFINITELY A PROTECTED SEED

SIXTEEN SEED WOULD BE THE ANT FARM INDUSTRY, PROBABLY

DEFINITELY WOULD PICK "SALT THAT LOOKS ANNOYINGLY LIKE SUGAR IF YOU'RE THE SIZE OF AN ANT" FOR A BIG UPSET

YOU KNOW WHAT HOLD ON

(16) Duquesne

I MEAN... I'M PRETTY SURE COLLEGE BASKETBALL AS AN INSTITUTION WILL SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE DUQUESNE STOP BEING CRUSHED LIKE ANTS AND BEAT PITT IN BASKETBALL, BUT DON'T HOLD ME TO THAT

ALTHOUGH: COULD YOU IMAGINE IF THE CITY GAME WAS ACTUALLY BETWEEN TWO RANKED TEAMS? IT COULD THEORETICALLY BE PRETTY GREAT, INSTEAD OF BEING THE POOR MAN'S PORTLAND VS PORTLAND STATE

(8) The Average Syracuse Basketball Player vs. (9) Kevin Pittsnogle

(8) Cooney & Christmas & Fair & Ennis & Coleman & Southerland & Cooney & Carter-Williams & Triche & Grant & Jardine & Melo & Joseph & Rautins & Cooney & Warrick & Flynn & Devendorf & McNamara, Oh My God Especially McNamara

CUSE IS DEFINED FIRST BY THEIR ZONE AND SECOND BY THE ENDLESS PROCESSION OF NONDESCRIPT YET COMPETENT YET UNDERPERFORMING FOUR-STAR TALENT THEY PULL IN LIKE ANTS MARCHING. EACH ONE ANNOYED AND FRUSTRATED IN THEIR TIME, ALTHOUGH JUDGING BY HISTORICAL WIN/LOSSES NONE BEAT PITT THAT MANY TIMES. JUST ONCE IN A WHILE IN A FEW BIG SPOTS THAT I'M NEVER GOING TO TALK ABOUT, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT THEM, YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME NOW

SPECIAL COMMENDATION GOES TO GERRY MCNAMARA BECAUSE DUDE IS BOTH THE PATRON SAINT OF THIS TYPE AND NOW SOMEHOW ALSO AN ASSISTANT COACH, TRAINING THE NEXT GENERATION FOREVERMORE

UNDERSTAND: WE WILL NEVER TRULY BE RID OF GERRY MCNAMARA

(9) Kevin Pittsnogle

MEANWHILE, WEST VIRGINIA'S MULTITUDES ARE ALL CONTAINED WITHIN THIS ONE DUDE:

  • TATTOOS? CHECK.
  • EASY TO MAKE FUN OF? CHECK.
  • LOOKS LIKE HIS TAPS RUN HOT, COLD, AND GRAIN ALCOHOL? CHECK.
  • LEFT COLLEGE, WORKS AT A CAR DEALERSHIP, HAS KIDS NAMED "KWYNSIE" AND "AMYYAH"? CHECK.

THE MAN IS AN ICON, I'LL GIVE HIM THAT.

(5) Jason White vs (12) Mardy Gilyard

(5) Jason White

LET'S CHECK IN ON THE 2003 HEISMAN RUNNER UP AND WINNER, RESPECTIVELY.

ALRIGHT, GOOD TALK. SEE YOU IN DECEMBER FOR THIS, AGAIN.

(12) Mardy Gilyard

THIS IS A TRUE STORY:

IN 2009, PITT IS A TOP TEN TEAM BEFORE DROPPING OUT AFTER LOSING THE BACKYARD BRAWL. BUT THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL #15 AND WOULD STILL GO TO A BCS BOWL IF THEY BEAT CINCY AT HOME THE NEXT WEEK. BUT CINCY IS RANKED #5.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

AND INDEED, LATE IN THE FIRST HALF AGAINST THE BEARCATS PITT IS UP BY TWENTY-ONE POINTS AND IS WELL ON THEIR WAY TO THEIR SECOND BCS BOWL. AND THAT'S GOOD. EXCEPT MARDY GILYARDRETURNS A KICKOFF WITH LIKE NINETY SECONDS LEFT AND NOW IT'S JUST A FOURTEEN POINT LEAD AT THE HALF.

BUT THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL UP FOURTEEN, RIGHT? NO, WAIT, THEY'RE UP SEVEN.GILYARD WITH THE 70-YARD TOUCHDOWN. NO WAIT, FOURTEEN. NO WAIT, SEVEN. NO WAIT, TWO. TWO. THEY'RE UP TWO.

IT'S TIED. GILYARD WITH THE TWO POINT CONVERSION. BUT THAT'S OKAY, BECAUSE

WAIT

OH NO

NO, NO, THAT'S NO GOOD

THAT'S NO GOOD AT ALL

(4) The Leprechaun vs. (13) Tino Sunseri

(4) The Notre Dame Leprechaun

LAST WEEK, I WENT TO PITT'S ACC QUARTERFINAL MATCH AGAINST NORTH CAROLINA. PITT WAS IN THE FRONT HALF OF THE SESSION, AND BECAUSE I BOTH VALUE A GOOD DEAL AND BECAUSE I HAD BLOCKED OUT MUCH OF MY SCHEDULE IN PREPARATION FOR A LONG STRING OF OVERTIMES, I STAYED FOR GAME #2 ON THE TICKET. THAT GAME WAS DUKE VERSUS NOTRE DAME.

AS I WATCHED THESE TWO TEAMS THAT ONLY BAD PEOPLE LIKE PLAY PRETTY-OKAY BASKETBALL, I REALIZED THAT THE THING THAT I ENJOYED LEAST IN THE SCENE WASN'T GRAYSON ALLEN, NOR WAS IT ZACH AUGUSTE'S WEIRD HAIR, NOR WAS IT THE WEIRDLY LARGE NUMBER OF LOUD VIRGINIA FANS

THAT'S RIGHT AMERICA: I WATCHED THE LEPRECHAUN STAND NEXT TO GRAYSON ALLEN AND I PREFERRED GRAYSON ALLEN

(13) Tino Sunseri
HERE ARE THE FACTS AS THEY STOOD ON AUGUST 31, 2013:

(1) TINO SUNSERI WAS A QUARTERBACK FOR THE CFL'S SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS, HAVING SIGNED WITH THEM TWO MONTHS PRIOR.
(2) EARLIER THAT YEAR, HE FINISHED HIS PITT CAREER WITH A 38-17 LOSS TO OLE MISS IN THE 2013 COMPASS BOWL.
(3) IF YOU WANT TO KILL ANTS WITHOUT PESTICIDES, TRY A SOLUTIONI OF WHITE VINEGAR AND WATER ON THE AFFECTED AREAS OF YOUR HOUSE
(4) PITT WAS TWO DAYS AWAY FROM BEGINNING ITS FIRST SEASON IN THE ACC WITH A LABOR DAY PRIMETIME GAME AGAINST FLORIDA STATE. THIS WOULD BE THE FIRST PITT GAME IN THREE YEARS  THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE TINO SUNSERI

HERE IS WHAT TINO TWEETED ON AUGUST 31, 2013:

(6) James Franklin vs (11) Steve Pederson

(6) James From State College

MAESTRO, IF YOU PLEASE.

YEAH WE'RE GONNA KEEP POSTING THIS PHOTO UNTIL HE GETS FIRED, AND THEN WHOEVER COLGATE'S RIVAL IS CAN HAVE IT WHEN HE GOES THERE

(11) Steve Pederson

PEDERSON WAS A ONE-MAN COLONIAL FORCE: TAKING OVER AND MAKING CHANGES THE LOCALS NEVER TOOK TO, NEVER INGRATIATING, AND THEN WAITING TOO LONG TO GO AWAY FOREVER. HE'S GONE NOW, AND WE WILL REMEMBER HIS TRAGIC LEGACY LIKE ZIMBABWE REMEMBERS CECIL RHODES: WE CAN FIRE HIS COACHES AND BRING BACK THE SCRIPT AND CHANGE "SALISBURY" BACK TO "HARARE" BUT WE CAN'T UN-DEMOLISH A STADIUM.

THE PETE IS COOL THOUGH, AND THAT WAS KIND OF HIM, SO THERE'S THAT

(3) Scottie Reynolds vs. (14) The Refs

(3) Scottie Reynolds

YOU KNOW WHAT PITT FANS WOULD BE WITHOUT SCOTTIE REYNOLDS? TAKE ALL THE SADNESS FROM THE PAST SEVEN YEARS, THE DECLINE, ALL THE MUMBLING ABOUT A GLORY GETTING SWALLOWED EVER FASTER BY THE SUNSET, ALL THE DARK PLACES I GO TO AFTER I SPEND MY HARD-EARNED WEDNESDAY NIGHT WATCHING A THIRTY POINT LOSS AT LOUISVILLE, AND MUTE IT WITH A SIMPLE "WELL, AT LEAST WE WENT TO THAT FINAL FOUR. AT LEAST THAT'S SOMETHING." GETS A LITTLE BIT BETTER, I SAY

SO YOU KNOW WHAT PITT FANS WOULD BE WITHOUT SCOTTIE REYNOLDS? MODERATELY HAPPIER ILLINOIS FANS.

I MEAN, I'D TAKE IT.

(14) The Refs

ANOTHER DISPATCH FROM THE ACC TOURNAMENT: AT A CRUCIAL JUNCTURE A REF CALLED A CRUCIAL FOUL AGAINST PITT. TERRIBLE CALL, RIGHT? THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT MORE AND REALIZED THAT EVERY TIME THAT HAPPENED, IT WAS A REF MAKING THAT CALL


(7) Rick Pitino vs (10) Local Geography

(7) Rick Pitino

EVERY BASKETBALL COACH IS SECRETLY RICK PITINO. HOWEVER, RICK PITINO IS OPENLY RICK PITINO. PRETTY BIG ERROR IMHO

(10) Local Geography

PITTSBURGH IS SO VERY BEAUTIFUL! SO VERY SCENIC. DO YOU FOLLOW DAVE DICELLO ON TWITTER? YOU SIMPLY MUST. HE CAPTURES THE BEAUTY OF THE CITY SO WELL. THE HILLS ARE SO SCENIC. AND PITTSBURGH IS SO VERY HILLY! ONLY CERTAIN BREEDS OF MOUNTAIN GOAT CAN SURVIVE IN CARRICK. NO HUMAN CAN LIVE THERE, AND YET THEY DO ANYWAY. WHY? BECAUSE PITTSBURGH IS SO VERY CROWDED! THEY PUT PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. THERE ARE HOUSES IN EVERY CORNER OF EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD. PACKED LIKE ANTS. THERE'RE A FEW HOUSES ON 45 DEGREE ANGLES BECAUSE ITALIAN IMMIGRANTS IN THE TWENTIES DIDN'T DESERVE DECENT HOUSING. (SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN POOR IN CARNEGIE'S TOWN, PAISANO.)

SO MANY HILLS. SO LITTLE OPEN SPACE.

SO ABOUT THAT ON CAMPUS STADIUM,

(2) Joe Paterno vs. (15) The Blue Butterfly Caterpillar

(2) Joe Paterno

JOE PATERNO WAS A FOOTBALL COACH FOR A LONG TIME, AND THEN HE DIED

(15) Blue Butterfly Caterpillars

BLUE BUTTERFLY CATERPILLARS IMITATE THE SCENT AND SOUND OF QUEEN ANTS, WHICH TRICKS WORKER ANTS INTO PREFERRING THEM TO THEIR OWN KIND. THIS SORT OF TREACHERY IS DANGEROUS FOR ALL ANT-KIND, AND SHOULD BE HIGHLY DISCOURAGED.

AND THAT'S THE QUADRANT. COME BACK TOMORROW FOR THE OPPOSITE OF THIS

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