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Cardiac Spill: 2017 Recruits Worth Watching


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RB E.J. Okafor (3* ESPN, 3* Rivals)
Carroway Regional High School // Arrowhead, OH

Good all-around rusher and blocker, could develop (with the right direction) into a pass-catcher out of the backfield. Okafor is a high-character player with solid fundamentals. May be under-recruited for a few reasons, including his size (5'8'', 190 lb), his high school playing in a relatively low-talent division, and his disconcerting lack of eyebrows. Was a consensus four-star recruit at the start of the year, but recently started playing Pokemon Go, sooooo...

Considering: Akron, Northwestern, Pitt, Rutgers

WR Kevin McAfferey (4* ESPN, 3* Rivals)
East Springdale Regional High School // Springdale, PA

McAfferey's exceptional hands and athleticism allow him to create good separation from his cover man. His wonderful, soft hands result in minimal fumbles. He is known to take plays off, and it is believed that at the college level he will need to be taught by coaches who are not distracted by his gorgeous hands, a single stroke of which makes you forget all else. McAfferey is more "quick" than fast. It would be a privilege to lick whipped cream off his miraculous, adorable hands. (Men have died for less)

Considering: Maryland, Pitt, Penn State, WVU

FB Jeremy Khan (3* ESPN, 2* Rivals)
Cooper Academy // Undertale, NY

Khan is a very sad boy. A fullback, he is a big sad boy who cries a lot. He weeps and wails at all times as he patrols the backfield. Schools that run a fast-paced system may have no place for him, but in the right system he would thrive (and cry a lot). He is a large boy who moves the line, a large sad boy who blocks. Khan is not an offensive talent but may be valuable in trick play or misdirection situations; be warned, though, as he cries hard (cries very hard) when he scores a touchdown. He sits down and weeps with the football a lot. (Cries at the football? Cries because of the football?) He is a large sad boy and he is so very sorry. He is so very sorry.

Considering: Bowling Green, Kentucky, Marshall, Pitt

QB Percy The Football Enigma (4* ESPN, 5* Rivals)
Parts Unknown

PtFE competes exclusively in a custom Under Armour-branded luchador mask which fully obscures his face at all times (even without a helmet on). Extremely high-talent player who would start day one on nearly every FBS roster, his play and style naturally raises a number of questions. These include, "is even he NCAA eligible?" Many have theorized that under the mask he is a former professional or high-level college player who is attempting to illicitly re-enter the college game. (Before you comment, know that Percy the Football Enigma is three inches shorter and significantly slower than Johnny Manziel) Even if he is, as he claims, a high school-age male, the NCAA may still deem him ineligible due to his appearances on popular Nick Jr. show Yo Gabba Gabba! Percy the Football Enigma is primarily considering Under Armour schools, although there is no truly understanding him.

Considering: Auburn, Boston College, Maryland, South Carolina

OG Will Gold (4* ESPN, 4* Rivals)
Sunderland Eastern High School // Newcastle, PA

Gold excels at taking up space in the interior, and would slot in well to the guard rotation of any run-first offense. Quicker DTs may be able to beat him off the line, but could shed some weight and by senior year be an all-conference caliber player. Gold is a golem of silt given flesh by a local rabbi, and as such he roams mindlessly and ceaselessly when not in a football setting. As such, he must be monitored carefully to ensure he stays NCAA eligible. Surprisingly sturdy for a being of pure dirt, he nevertheless is a considerable injury risk due to the high potential of him collapsing into a pile of dust on the field. Comparable: LeCharles Bentley.

Considering: Maryland, Ohio State, Penn State, Pitt

CB Lamont Wade (4* ESPN, 5* Rivals)
Clairton High School // Clairton, PA

Ah, Tener­iffe!
Retreat­ing Moun­tain!
Pur­ples of Ages — pause for you —
Sun­set — reviews her Sap­phire Reg­i­ment –
Day — drops you her Red Adieu!

Still — Clad in your Mail of ices –
Thigh of Gran­ite — and thew — of Steel –
Heed­less — alike — of pomp — or parting

Ah, Tener­iffe!
I’m kneel­ing — still –

- Emily Dickinson

Considering: Ohio State, Penn State, Pitt, Tennessee

TE Chervis Churvis (3* ESPN, 4* Rivals)
Chyrvis High School // Chaarvis, PA

Chervis Churvis, who Chervis Chyrvis recently awarded its chervised Chervys Chirvas chervis, is a churvis chyyrvis churvis with strong chyarviss, decent churvis, and good cheryvis on the chervis charvis. Churvis plays primarily as a churvis, he can also chyyrvis into charvus in a pinch. Churvis could stand to improve his chuurviss, but every churvis who chyyrves this churvus can't deny his ability to churveys when it matters most. His churvis is chervis, but chervis Churvis Chriesvis chyrviecs chyrsvis. Be sure to charvis this churvis on your chyrrvis in three years or so.

Considering: Churvis, Charvis, Churevis, Pitt

DE Lazlo Becker-Green (3* ESPN, 3* Rivals)
Sun Ra Catholic High School // Lionshead, VA

A damned shadow walker, Becker-Green is a night reaver with an undeniable ability to penetrate the line. Averaged nearly two sacks a game his junior year against stiff competition, and figures to only grow further by the time he steps on campus. Despite his blackened eyes, shows great vision on the field. It is said that the damned shadow walkers have night vision, but as of yet the veil of their language has not been pierced. Consequently, may be difficult to coach. Still - an extremely talented athlete and tracker of woodland animals for the feeding who can slot into a rotation day one, with optimistic projections slotting him as a four-year starter. Capable of cutting weight and moving to outside linebacker, or swallowing a deer whole and moving inside.

Considering: Ohio, Pitt, Rutgers, Temple

Brodus Clay Memorial // Philadelphia, MS

A review of game footage reveals ARACHNOTRON to be a true student of the game, one whom in time will transcend the sport and the physical plane alike; ARACHNOTRON's excellent instincts seems to allow him (it?) to bend time itself in order to know where the ball is at a chosen point in time and pounce on it, ripping it to shreds with so many muscled, many-talon'd fingers. Many fear and none understand ARACHNOTRON, who must be viewed only through solar eclipse glasses lest the viewer go irreversibly blind. (He projects as a Mike in college for this reason - not a single pass has been attempted on ARACHNOTRON.) ARACHNOTRON is truth and fear and strength and muscle and steel and blood and fury and light. God despises ARACHNOTRON; God blesses and loves ARACHNOTRON.

Considering: Alabama

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