Welcome to the first episode of THE GREAT PITT FOOTBALL COACH DEBATE. We here at Cardiac Spill know when to cash in on #current #trends, and with the various political debates every few weeks, who wouldn't want to see caricatures of the past few Pitt coaches yell at each other for awhile?
No one. That's who. If you guys like this - let me know, we'll do it regularly.
BILL HILLGROVE: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first of many PITT FOOTBALL COACH DEBATES. I’m your host and voice of the Pitt Panthers, Bill Hillgrove. Throughout tonight’s program, we will be asking each of the various candidates the tough questions so you the viewer can decide who you want leading our beloved football program at the University of Pittsburgh. Now, let’s meet the candidates. First, please join me in welcoming former coach Walt Harris to the stage.
[WALT HARRIS ENTERS, TRIPS OVER WIRE. THERE IS TEPID APPLAUSE]
WALT HARRIS: H-hello. Is this..is this microphone on
BILL HILLGROVE: Yes, Walt. You are standing right in front of it. You can, in fact, hear your voice echoing around the arena so indeed, the microphone is on.
WALT HARRIS: is..are you sure? *taps mic, it predictably causes feedback around room* oh gosh uh
BILL HILLGROVE: Moving on. Next we have the hometown boy and fan favorite, Mr. Dave Wannstedt!
[DAVE WANNSTEDT ENTERS, CONFIDENTLY TAKES POSITION BEHIND PODIUM]
DAVE WANNSTEDT: Heeey! How’s everybody doin tonight? Yanno, I think this is good for the program, of which I am an alumni. Not sure if you guys knew that. Got a good vibe goin here. It’s good folks. It’s just real good. I think the best thing about Pitt is that it’s Pitt.
BILL HILLGROVE: Aw, Dave. Your folksy charisma completely covers up any glaring deficiencies. Next up, we have *squints* wait, who’s this?
MIKE HAYWOOD: My name is Mike Haywood, and I’m the former coach o-
BILL HILLGROVE: Sir, I don’t think you’re on the card for tonight. I don’t even know who you are.
MIKE HAYWOOD: This is outrageous. There was nev-
BILL HILLGROVE: Security, please escort Mr. Haywood from the debate.
[MIKE HAYWOOD IS HURRIEDLY RUSHED OFFSTAGE]
BILL HILLGROVE: Ahem, sorry about that folks. Next, we hav-
[THE ROOM GOES DARK]
[GENERIC ANGRY BRO-ROCK BLARES FROM THE LOUDSPEAKERS]
[A GIANT VIDEO BOARD LIGHTS UP AND DISPLAYS IMPRESSIVE IMAGES OF A MAN WITH CLOSE-CROPPED HAIR WHILE A ROTATING TITLE THAT READS "THE TODDFATHER" SPINS PROMINENTLY UNDERNEATH]
BILL HILLGROVE: uh
[TODD GRAHAM ENTERS STAGE IN A SMOKE CLOUD, WHILE PYROTECHNIC EFFECTS EXPLODE AROUND HIM]
BILL HILLGROVE: uh
TODD GRAHAM: HEYYYYY HOW Y’ALL DOIN TONIGHT. YOU READY FOR A HARD-NOSED HAMMER-DOWN HIGH-OCTANE FULL-THROTTLE RED-LININ’ HIGH-GEAR TIRE-BURNIN’ DOOR-AJAR-HAVIN' DEBATE
BILL HILLGROVE: uh
TODD GRAHAM: YESSIR IT’S ME, TODD GRAHAM. THE BROTHERHOOD OF TODD. TODDNEY DANGERFIELD. THE GRAHAMBINO, ETC.
BILL HILLGROVE: did you just say ‘e t c period’
TODD GRAHAM: THAT’S RIGHT, STEELERMAN. NOW LET’S DO THIS THING.
BILL HILLGROVE: A..alright then. So uh, next we have *shuffles cards*, Mr. Paul Chryst.
PAUL CHRYST: Hey.
BILL HILLGROVE: Do you want to introduce yourself Paul? Say a little something to the crowd?
PAUL CHRYST: *dips*
PAUL CHRYST: *considers*
PAUL CHRYST: Nah.
BILL HILLGROVE: Okay Paul, have it your way. Last, but not least, we have current coach Pat Narduzzi!
[PAT NARDUZZI ENTERS STAGE, OBVIOUSLY ANNOYED]
PAT NARDUZZI: Alright. I’m here. Why are we doing this again? I’m the coach of this team and we have a huge game against Duke to plan for.
PAUL CHRYST: Oh, hey Pat.
PAT NARDUZZI: Paul! Haven’t seen you in forever! How’s Wisky treating ya?
PAUL CHRYST: Eh. S'allright. *spits*
TODD GRAHAM: OOH IT’S PAT NARDUZZI. THE NARD DOG. FAT BEER-COOZY.
PAT NARDUZZI: Stop.
TODD GRAHAM: NARDIAN OF THE GALAXY
PAT NARDUZZI: I mean it.
TODD GRAHAM: ALL THE DUZ THAT’S FIT TO PRINT.
PAT NARDUZZI: I swear to G-
BILL HILLGROVE: Gentlemen! Please keep it civil. Now, let’s begin the debate. The first question comes from Joe Poswalalski of Turtle Creek. He asks: "Do you think Ben can be back soon enough to help the Steelers make a playoff run?"
WALT HARRIS: …
PAT NARDUZZI: …
PAUL CHRYST: …
DAVE WANNSTEDT: Here we go Stillers
[CROWD ERUPTS INTO RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE]
BILL HILLGROVE: Please everyone-
[CROWD STARTS ‘HERE WE GO’ CHANT]
BILL HILLGROVE: SETTLE DOWN PLEASE. In any case, let’s get a real question. Jonathan Trundlefuk of Gibsonia asks: "Where do you see the Pitt program in five years?"
WALT HARRIS: Hello. I’m Walt Harris. You may remember me from such episodes as "When Pitt was in that BCS game" and "Insight Bowl 2: The One With Larry" I think Pitt might be good maybe, if they can manage to tie a bunch of other Big East teams in the standings and
BILL HILLGROVE: They’re in the ACC now, coach.
WALT HARRIS: Are they? But it’s still Syracuse, Miami, Virginia Tech, Boston College…
BILL HILLGROVE: Yes but-
WALT HARRIS: ..and Temple?
BILL HILLGROVE: Well no, but Temple is actually good now, coach.
WALT HARRIS: golly gosh wowzers
BILL HILLGROVE: Coach Wannstedt? Where do you see the program in five years?
DAVE WANNSTEDT: *thinks for a few seconds* In Pittsburgh.
BILL HILLGROVE: And you, Coach Graham..Coach…excuse me…
TODD GRAHAM: *is caught packing suitcase* OH UH *tosses it behind podium* WELL I’D HAVE TO SAY TEXAS OR ALABAMA. GOT FOLKS NEAR BOTH, AND PENNY DOES LIKE WINTER IN THE SOUTH.
BILL HILLGROVE: Coach Chryst?
PAUL CHRYST: Pretty nice, I guess.
BILL HILLGROVE: That’s it?
PAUL CHRYST: Yeah they’ll be good.
BILL HILLGROVE: Finally, Coach Narduzzi?
PAT NARDUZZI: I see myself celebrating a National Championship here at Pitt.
TODD GRAHAM: *chokes on a glass of water* HAHA WHAT
PAT NARDUZZI: I think we have the guys in the right place and the recruiting to really invigorate the school. We’ve excited the fan base and really livened up the conversation around a moribund program.
TODD GRAHAM: NO LIKE, FIVE YEARS AT ONE SCHOOL? IN THE ACC COASTAL? ON PURPOSE?
PAT NARDUZZI: I truly believe in what we have here.
TODD GRAHAM: WELP THAT’S ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT IF Y’ALL WILL EXCUSE ME I HAVE AN UNMARKED PRIVATE JET TO CLIMB ABOARD SO DON’T MIND ME.
[TODD GRAHAM BEGINS TO EXIT STAGE]
BILL HILLGROVE: Sir! Coach Graham. We haven’t finished the debate yet!
TODD GRAHAM: LATER, YA TINY ROUND-FACED GNOME-MAN.
BILL HILLGROVE: I see. Well, to the remaining candidates, we have one final question. You’re approached by a student-athlete who says they should be paid for their efforts. What do you do in this situation?
WALT HARRIS: Punt on third down.
PAUL CHRYST: *shrugs*
PAT NARDUZZI: Tell him the world is changing and someday that might happen, but right now we live in the framework set by the NCAA and I don’t have the power to change that.
DAVE WANNSTEDT: Billy, ya gotta tell the kid that money isn’t everything in the world. What’s important is what’s inside here: your heart. *taps forehead*
BILL HILLGROVE: That’s….Dave…that’s not even close to-
[BILL HILLGROVE’S PHONE BUZZES]
BILL HILLGROVE: Excuse me it…it appears to be a text from Coach Graham.
BILL HILLGROVE: Oh.
BILL HILLGROVE: Well, this concludes tonight’s debate. The candidates will return soon to discuss popular fan topics such as logos, stadiums, and stadiums shaped like logos. Until then, I’m Bill Hillgrove, and thank you for joining us.
[BILL HILLGROVE RECEIVES ANOTHER TEXT]
BILL HILLGROVE: Ugh