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CARDIAC SPILL: WHAT IF ACC WAS REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT??

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THE RENT’S A BIT LATE & THE CAR A BIT OUT OF GAS & THE WATER GOT A BIT SHUT OFF BY AN EVIL BADMAN FROM THE SHADOWLAND SO IT’S TIME TIME TIME AGAIN TO MAKE SOME EMERGENCY INTERNET CLICK MONEY WITH A TRIED AND TRUE HOBBY HORSE OF AN ARTICLE FORMAT//REMEMBER TO LIKE AND SHARE OR THE BANK FORECLOSES//THIS DOUBLES AS A GUIDE TO THE BALLOT//LET'S GO

ATLANTIC DIVISION

1. FLORIDA STATE // JEB BUSH

  • HAS LOTS OF MONEY
  • HAS TO DEAL WITH EXTREMELY HIGH EXPECTATIONS
  • HAS A RELATION WHO HAS SUCCEEDED AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL TWICE IN RECENT YEARS, A RELATION WHICH THEY PROBABLY REALLY WISH HADN'T BEEN AS SUCCESSFUL AS THEY WERE BECAUSE IT'S DEFINITELY MADE LIFE HARDER FOR THEM

2. LOUISVILLE // SCOTT WALKER

  • DEFINITELY NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH "QUALITY PUBLIC SCHOOLING"
  • HAS HAD A NUMBER OF VERY NOTABLE WINS RECENTLY AND A REAL GOOD SHOT OF WINNING THIS YEAR
  • IS BELOVED BY A LARGE CHUNK OF THEIR STATE AND FEVERISHLY HATED BY THE OTHER CHUNK

3. CLEMSON // MIKE HUCKABEE

  • DISTINCTLY SOUTHERN
  • HAS COME CLOSE TO VICTORY A NUMBER OF TIMES RECENTLY BUT THE IDEA OF THEM ACTUALLY WINNING IS BASICALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE
  • CONSEQUENTLY, WILL PROBABLY LOOK REALLY GOOD AT SOME POINT DURING THIS CAMPAIGN BUT THEN INEVITABLY FLAME OUT
  • MIKE HUCKABEE'S LARGE SONS ARE NAMED "DABO" (OLDER ONE) AND "SWINNEY" (YOUNGER ONE), RESPECTIVELY

4. NC STATE // BEN CARSON

  • HAS A SURPRISINGLY BIG FOLLOWING BUT YOU'VE NEVER MET ANY OF THEM
  • IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER AT SOMETHING ELSE, TO THE POINT THAT IT KINDA MAKES YOU WONDER WHAT COMPELS THEM TO KEEP DOING THIS, A LA JORDAN PLAYING BASEBALL
  • SEEMS INCAPABLE OF MAKING A STRONG IMPRESSION

5. BOSTON COLLEGE // TED CRUZ

  • GAH
  • WHAT THE HELL
  • GO TO THE NEXT ONE
  • GO TO THE NEXT ONE NOW

6. WAKE FOREST // JIM GILMORE

  • YOU JUST NOW, RIGHT NOW, FOUND OUT THERE'S A GUY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT NAMED "JIM GILMORE"
  • SIMILARLY, NO ONE IS CAPABLE OF REMEMBERING WAKE FOREST (AND ANYONE WHO CLAIMS OTHERWISE IS A LIAR AND A COMMUNIST)
  • WOULD CONSIDER IT A VICTORY TO SIMPLY NOT GET EMBARRASSED DURING WHAT'S SURE TO BE A SLOG OF A CAMPAIGN

7. SYRACUSE // HARLEY BROWN

COASTAL DIVISION

1. GEORGIA TECH // DONALD TRUMP

  • OPERATES USING SOME SORT OF INSANE, BACKWARDS SYSTEM NO ONE ELSE DARE TRY
  • DEFINITELY STANDS OUT RELATIVE TO THE SURROUNDING CROWD
  • FAMOUS FOR PUTTING NAMES ON VEHICLES (LOTS OF VEHICLES)
  • SHOCKINGLY AN EARLY FRONTRUNNER TO WIN IT ALL, WHICH, COME ON, NO
  • ISN'T GONNA WIN, RIGHT? BECAUSE THAT'D BE INSANE, RIGHT? TELL ME THAT'D BE INSANE. TELL ME IT'S NOT HAPPENING.
  • OH GOD IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN HUH
  • THIS IS THE CHAMPION WE DESERVE

2. MIAMI // MARCO RUBIO

  • RIGHT NOW CAN SAFELY BE TERMED THE "OTHER" FLORIDA OPTION IN THE GROUP
  • FORMED GOLDEN CHILD THAT IS IN THE MIDST OF A COMEDOWN
  • CAN WIN, BUT NO ONE'S TALKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE THAT'D BE SOOOO BORING
  • USUALLY NEAR WATER

3. VIRGINIA TECH // RAND PAUL

Alright.

Hear me out on this one.

In my eyes, libertarianism is appealing to many people at least partly due its simplicity. There are clear rules to it, most primarily that the government has no right to make anyone in the state’s life worse off (e.g., through taxation or limiting freedoms), and that the powers of the state should generally be limited to policing, courts, and a military. Now, it’s an ideology, so there will be variation from person to person as to how strictly they adhere to these beliefs. But throw in some laissez-faire economics and concerns about inflation (which is very real) and that’s the gist of it.

Now, I am not a libertarian. Not to get into too detailed of a criticism, but much of my distrust in the whole enterprise stems from the fact that I simply do not believe that, left to their own devices, independent groups of self-interested actors will solve certain major problems (e.g., poverty, environmental protection, education, public health) effectively. This is not to say by any means that the United States government has a winning record when it comes to major issues, and you can go to your local library and read all about a lot of the pain this country has caused people. But it’s worked, sometimes. And to fully limit the powers of government to the above skeletal system is (to me) a surrender to the belief that we cannot do better. It’s picking an automatic B-minus instead of striving for an A.

And that’s why it seems to me like libertarian candidates like Sen. Paul (or, obviously, his father) will always do okay in elections like these - they have a steadfast base of support, for sure. This leads to some real moments in the sun (think the 2010 Congressional wave of victories) for the movement, and sometimes it's even considered a real political trend (like right now) But it's never really picked up steam, and so for me it’s hard to see them ever actually catching the proverbial brass ring.

Similarly, Virginia Tech is a program that has been bowling for over twenty straight years now, and has absolutely had some major victories along the way (including, incidentally, 2010 as well, and that time they beat Ohio State last year was pretty alright). They are a team that can be counted on to produce some results, year-in, year-out. However, ultimately? As long they’re playing Beamerball, their chances of taking it all are going to remain fairly "eh." Not saying it’ll never happen, but it’s not happening this year. Or any time soon, one would think.

Now, if only the Hokies wore gold.

4. PITTSBURGH // STANNIS BARATHEON

I'm sorry, what were we doing?

4. PITTSBURGH // SAILOR MERCURY

  • Is this right?
  • No?
  • You're gonna need to give me a second, then.

4. PITTSBURGH // THAT GUY FROM THE THING?

  • One two
  • One
  • TWO
  • SEA SHELLS SEA SHORE BURNING DOWN THE RIVER RIVERUN TWO THREE ALRIGHTTTT/////LET'S FINISH STRONG

4. PITTSBURGH // RICK SANTORUM

  • YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP
  • YEP YEP YEP
  • YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP
  • YEP
  • YEP YEP YEP

5. NORTH CAROLINA // CHRIS CHRISTIE

  • PREVIOUSLY SUCCESSFUL OUTFIT WHOSE REPUTATION HAS BEEN THOROUGHLY SHELLACKED BY SCANDAL
  • LIKELY ENJOYS BARBECUE!!!!
  • HEYO!!!!!!!

6. DUKE // RICK PERRY

  • PREVIOUSLY SUCCESSFUL OUTFIT WHO IS A COMPLETE AFTERTHOUGHT THIS TIME AROUND FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON AT ALL
  • ACTS ALL SMART

7. VIRGINIA // GEORGE PATAKI

  • HILARIOUSLY WHITE
  • IT'LL BE REALLY, REALLY SURPRISING IF THEY'RE STILL DOING ANYTHING OF CONSEQUENCE IN DECEMBER

WHAT ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS?

HAD TO DIP OUT OF THE CONFERENCE TO MAINTAIN MY WELL KNOWN "EQUAL OFFENDER BAD BOY" STATUS::

BERNIE SANDERS IS WASHINGTON STATE BECAUSE THEY’RE DOING REALLY INTERESTING STUFF AND EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE GOING TO LOSE IT’S STILL WORTH WATCHING BECAUSE THEY’RE LOSING WITH SUCH STYLE&SUCH FLAIR

MARTIN O’MALLEY IS SMU BECAUSE THEY’RE FUNDAMENTALLY SYNONYMOUS WITH ENDEMIC CORRUPTION AND WILL LOSE SO BAD THEY'VE BASICALLY BECOME A PUNCHLINE

LINCOLN CHAFEE IS MONTANA BECAUSE ‘CONVERT AMERICA TO THE METRIC SYSTEM’ IS A VERY BOB STITT IDEA AND THEY HAVE EQUAL SHOTS OF REACHING THE NATIONAL TITLE

JIM WEBB IS TROY BECAUSE THAT’S THE LEAST CONSEQUENTIAL FBS TEAM I CAN THINK OF

JOE BIDEN IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ONE FOR HIM

AND HILLARY…

ROLL TIDE Y'ALL

ROLL DANG TIDE

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