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Cardiac Spill: We Made Predictions, Too!

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The Panthers are ready to WHIP, MASH, and DEVOUR the competition!  Potato jokes!
The Panthers are ready to WHIP, MASH, and DEVOUR the competition! Potato jokes!
Photo: Martin Rickman

As you probably already read, earlier today the site’s staff posted their predictions for the 2015 football season. We here at Cardiac Spill were surprised to learn that we were not invited to include our picks with the rest of our colleagues. I know what you're thinking - they're probably afraid we would make them look bad. (Editor’s Note: We didn’t want them to make the rest of us look bad, but not the way he means it.) Our opinions are as valid as the next guy’s, provided the next guy also didn’t know Pitt was in the [checks notes again] "A-C-C" until just now. When did that happen? Do you say all the letters or is it just pronounced "ack"? Answers to these questions and more below!

ACC Coastal Winner

Spilly: UConn, who I just assume has once again stealthily maneuvered into the conference without anyone noticing until it’s week 7 or so and "Hey, what’s this Wednesday night game in Connecticut? There’s football there? That’ll be an easy win" and we lose by forty.

Mike: Georgia Tech – One, I'm not betting against their voodoo fumble magic.  Two, barring Paul Johnson deciding to give the ol’ Run-and-Shoot a whirl this year, the Option Colossus will probably be really good again. Virginia Tech will probably be their usual 9-3, inexplicably-losing-to-Pitt selves.

PITT BASKETBALL SHOUTING: GEORGIA TECH. I'M SORRY ABOUT THE TRUMP JOKE.

ACC Atlantic Winner

Spilly: Syracuse shocks the world after sealing a demonic pact with John Marinatto, who reveals himself in a pillar of flame at the ACC Championship game and declares the conference his own personal hellscape. Providence wins every championship for the rest of time.

Mike: Clemsaaahahahaha I can't. I can't ever. I know better than to pin my hopes on a team whose name colloquially doubles as a verb. It's Florida State. It sucks, but you know it is.

P.B.S.: WHO'S OUR CROSSOVER OPPONENT THIS YEAR? LOUISVILLE? THEM.

ACC Offensive POY

Spilly: James Conner. YOU EXPECTED SOME SNARKY NON ANSWER DIDN’T YOU.

Mike: James Conner. I wouldn't joke about this.

P.B.S.: ANYONE WHO ANSWERS ANYTHING OTHER THAN JAMES CONNER HERE SHOULD REASSESS WHAT THEY WANT OUT OF THIS LIFE

ACC Defensive POY

Spilly: there are no defenses, only the corpses James Conner has trampled upon.

Mike: James Conner.  He'll also put on Chris Blewitt's jersey and win ACC Special Teams POY, and I don't even think that's a real award.

P.B.S.: DADI L'HOMME "FATHER IS THE MAN, NICKY" NICHOLAS, DEFENSIVE END FROM VIRGINIA TECH

Heisman Pick

Spilly: Some terrible Nebraska quarterback who beats out a much more talented Pitt player and probably spends his life selling door to door miniblinds forever

Mike: a four way tie between the girl at the Big XII championship throwing chest passes into the inflatable Dr. Pepper can and Ohio State's three-headed QB Cerberus.

P.B.S.: I KNOW EXACTLY WHO WILL WIN THE HEISMAN

Early National Champ Pick

Spilly: Bama. FUN PROGNOSTICATION TIP: If you don’t say this on the internet, they will find you and they will kill you.

Mike: *throws dart* Ohio State? Borrrrrinnnng

*throws dart* Alabama? Oh hell no

*throws dart* Ohio State again?

*throws dartboard in trash*

Let’s say Georgia. It's Georgia. They still have the bushes and stuff right? They're pretty neat. Cool helmets too. Georgia wins it all. Sure.

P.B.S.: TCU WOULD BE A REALLY COOL STORY, BAYLOR IS FUN AND COOL, AND OHIO STATE HAS CARDALE JONES, WHO IS AMAZING TO WATCH AND PROBABLY TO BE. SO BAMA.

Pitt Offensive MVP

Spilly: Conner.

Mike: Conner

P.B.S.: JAMES IS JAMES & TYLER IS TYLER BUT CONSIDER THAT IF JP HOLTZ ISN'T ACES THEY'RE GONNA QUADRUPLE-COVER BOYD EVERY DOWN SO IN A WEIRD WAY HOLTZ IS KIND OF THE ONE WHO MAKES THE DREAM WORK HERE

Pitt Defensive MVP

Spilly: Pat Narduzzi, depressed by lackluster performance, straps on a helmet one last time and goes full-on player-coach. A Very Serious Debate about amateurism follows but nothing really happens.

Mike: Bam Bradley - His name is Bam. Look, I don't make these rules.

P.B.S.: NO, NO.

Pitt Breakout Candidate

Spilly: The dude who initiates the Burger Wars in the new South Plaza by loudly opining that BRGR is better than Burgatory.

Mike: Eric Winslow, a 5-9 sophomore from Williamsport who, after passing out on his Sutherland bathroom floor following the Notre Dame game, escapes using only gumption and his toothbrush after his suitemates push his bed in front of the door. Chris James will also do cool things.

P.B.S.: WHOEVER THE LONG SNAPPER IS. I SAY WE SPEND ALL SEASON REFERRING TO OUR LONG SNAPPER AS "ALL-AMERICAN LEVEL" AND SIMILAR AND SEE IF THAT GETS THE GUY DRAFTED. I REALLY THINK THIS WILL WORK

Pitt Freshman to Watch

Spilly: Phil, who’s just come to Pitt from out east and he’s not really sure what major he wants but man oh man is he excited for foot ball! He’s going to go to every game this year! He bought tickets in the quad and everything.

*fast forward 2 months*

Phil is passed out on Saturday morning and the thought of maneuvering his own warm corpse to a bus to get to the stadium is abhorrent to everything he stands for.

Mike: the kid who keeps asking questions in a 300-person intro level lecture class I mean come on dude you don't even get points for participation the prof doesn’t even know your name wait you went to her office hours already just shut upppppp

P.B.S.: JORDAN WHITEHEAD, ESPECIALLY IN HIS BATTLE AGAINST THE CRUSHING WEIGHT OF EXPECTATION

Pitt's toughest game

Spilly: In your head you say Notre Dame or Louisville but in your heart you know it’s Akron

Mike: Watching Iowa play football without falling asleep and waking up in 1961. Punts will be punted.

P.B.S.: I CAN'T IMAGINE A CIRCUMSTANCE WHERE WE OUTSCORE GEORGIA TECH THIS YEAR, AND I'M ACTUALLY EXCITED TO SEE HOW BAD THAT GETS

Pitt's Final Record.

Spilly: 8-8, 3rd Place in NFC Central

Mike: 12-0, but they're left out of the playoff when the entire southeastern United States signs a Change.org petition titled "BUT THEY AIN'T PLAYED NOBODY!"

P.B.S.: I'VE NEVER KNOWN A LIFE EXCEPT THE ONE I LIVE. 6-6

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